I Couldn't Make This Up if I Wanted To.

The first rule of the internet is to always protect your identity.

I like to think I've always adhered to that. I don't give out personal information, I don't put credit card or social security information on unprotected sites. I know what phishing is and I avoid it and generally follow the cardinal rule: don't be an idiot.

Then Foursquare came along.

Foursquare, if you're not familiar with it, is a new brand of social media. It's a game which allows online people to check in to real life venues in a sort of huge game of Monopoly, just without the money. The more times you check into your favorite bar over the course of 2 months, the greater your chance to become mayor... and at some places, like Starbucks, you can earn discounts at said venues for being the mayor.

Since March, I've become as addicted to Foursquare as I have Twitter. I tweet my locations thru Foursquare. I cross the Clemente Bridge and I have to check in to protect my mayorship from Eddie B. Ditto my mayorship of the Starbucks on 6th and Penn from Annie C. If I lose one of them, I silently obsess about getting it back.

Ok maybe not quite that far but close.

Listen, I'm the fucking mayor of the City of Pittsburgh on Foursquare, bitches. This shit is intense.

Anyway, it was all fun and games until...

I got off work today at 3pm, walked down to my Starbucks per my usual routine and spent a few hours there listening to music and trying to think of a good topic to blog about. I gave up around 7 and headed home to the Mexican War Streets.

...to find the door locked.

My boyfriend. My wonderful, charming, amazing, better than everything else in the world boyfriend had forgotten to leave the door unlocked for me and won't be home from work until 11pm.

My boyfriend. My boyfriend who is damn lucky I love him more than anything else in this entire world because if I was anyone else... they'd be STRAIGHT LIVID.

My boyfriend. My boyfriend who should be thanking his stars for having such a great, understanding, loving, supportive girlfriend who knows that shit happens.

My boyfriend who will be hearing about this if we ever get into a fight over me forgetting something really, really important and he gets really really mad.

My boyfriend.

Anyway... not having a better idea of how to kill time for 4 HOURS I decided against sitting on the stoop and headed down to the Monterey Pub for a beer. It's as good an excuse as any for a Smithwicks.

As soon as I walk in the door, I reached in my pocket to grab my phone and check in on Foursquare. I bellied up to the bar, unloaded my laptop etc and wait fervently for the boyfriend to get back to me via text with some form of an apology.

By the way yes, I'm the asshole at the bar with a laptop. Fuck you.

Anyhoo: I ordered my wings, get my apology and hope the douche bag in the tan suit at the end of the bar decides to get it into his head to hit on me. While I text, type and tweet I suddenly get a tap on my shoulder.

"Excuse me, you've got to be Jennifer."

I turned around. Oh, it's the douche. *sigh* I smiled anyway, my friend Brian knows one of the managers so this may be a small world after all. "Yes... are you Brian's friend."

"No no no. Haha you won't believe this but, I just got here and saw that you were checked in here on Foursquare too. I liked your facebook, so you read tarot???"

You're fucking kidding me, right? Buddy you're using fucking FOURSQUARE as a pick up line? Dude... like I've seen and heard lame and baby you're it. Plus you pick the shittiest thing about my facebook profile to ask me about.

I guess it doesn't hurt that it also says my favorite color is pink and I'm wearing a pink cardigan today but dude... seriously??? Seriously!!! Jesus.

Luckily, another girl walked in and he diverted his attention to her. I think he was actually meeting her here so the fact that she walked in just as he was chatting up some other broad was too perfect. The look on his face was breathtaking.

Anyway... wow. My fucking life. Only could this shit happen to me. I'm going to be facepalming for the rest of the week, thanks "Michael L."