A Hockey Side Note: The Phoenix Coyotes Fans

Bandwagoner fans don't piss me off at all.

I really don't know why they would irritate anyone. If someone isn't educated in a sport, its easier to just ignore them instead of getting mad. If someone decides to start randomly supporting a team, thats up to them. They're allowed.

Technically, we were all bandwagoners at one point.

The fans I really hate are the idiots. The overly obnoxious fans like the Phoenix Coyote fans tonight, for instance.

Lets set the scene:

Your team is playing the Detroit Red Wings in the Quarterfinals. Datsyuk has scored twice, less than 2 minutes apart, setting himself up for a sweet little hattie while making the NHL's goalie poster child, Ilya Bryzgalov, look like a bitch. You're crying into your nachos at 8:23 into the 2nd when Vernon Fiddler mans up for your team and puts one past Jimmy Howard, unassisted.

Is this REALLY the best time to start a "Hoooooooow-aaaaaaaaard" chant?

Your reward for such disrespect? Two more goals from Lidstrom and Stuart bringing the score to 4-1.

Nice work.

Look: I'm not a Red Wings fan in fact, I hate that team. I'm not even a Jimmy Howard fan. I wish he'd choke so we can see some Chris Osgood action up in this bitch and really start letting some good jokes fly.

I am, however, a Sidney Crosby fan. And being a Sidney Crosby fan I can tell you mocking the opposing team is rarely a good idea. When the Pens descend upon the Wachovia or the Verizon Center and the fans start a "Crosby Sucks" chant, I start counting the minutes until Sid gets a point.

Its basically infallible.

Unfortunately, Phoenix, your team does not have a Sidney Crosby. Your team has a Wojtek Wolski. Your bragging rights are extremely limited. Since you seem to be somewhat behind the times on who is acceptable to make fun of, allow me to illustrate:

Hint: its the guy in grey who isn't Sidney Crosby.

Some others:

1. Chris Osgood
2. Tim Thomas
3. The Tampa Bay triumvirate of Stamkos, St Louis and Lecavelier
4. Sean Avery
5. The Washington Capitals
6. The Philadelphia Flyers

Since Jimmy Howard doesn't fall under any of the above mentioned categories, I'm sorry to be the one to tell you that your sense of humor sucks and its only fitting that Ilya's been scored on two more times just since I started writing this entry bringing the score to 6-1.

What's that hacking sound I hear? Could it be the Phoenix Coyotes choking on the dick that Lidstrom and the Red Wings are shoving down their throats.

Cliffs Notes: Hey Yotes Fans, don't get overly confident in a team that started off its season by giving away tickets to future games to anyone that showed up on certain nights. Don't act all big and bad when your team has yet to really prove itself. Don't get excited when your GM had to resign as head coach to start making Verizon commercials. Don't forget that you're in a place where ice is manufactured for frozen margaritas. While you're at it, do the NHL a favor and don't forget about your team tomorrow. Keep in mind that the rest of the hockey fans in the US and Canada don't think you should even have a team.

Joke's on you, fools.

OMG its My Adventures at Starbucks aka you Caption It.

If you've ever spent any amount of time with me, you know I love to people watch.

I think it may be part of being a failed actor... or it could just be me being really nebby. I love sitting in the front window of say... Starbucks on 6th and Penn with my sunglasses on, staring at people as they walk by. I like captioning their lives in my head, creating conversations between them. I enjoy letting my mind wander to where they're going, who they're going to see and why they're in such a big hurry.

Yeah, peopleofwalmart.com is my kind of website. But that's pretty much just because I'm a bastard.

Anyway, I had actually ventured out of downtown and onto McKnight(mare) Road two days ago (hard to believe and yet so true). I found myself at Starbucks, ordering a grande dark cherry mocha while the boyfriend got his hair cut at Anthony's. While I waited, I decided to busy myself with the task of loading my Starbucks Gold Card and figuring out my starbucks.com info so I could access my complimentary WiFi.

My life is so interesting.

Enjoying my DCM (that's a DARK CHERRY MOCHA for you non Starbucks people), I finally looked up and started noticing the Yinzers around me. There was a group of giggly 16 year old girls surrounding the coffee table to my right that encouraged me to mentally draw up the pros and cons of having to be a legal age to consume caffeine. There was a yuppie 48ish man with a Richard Gear complex to my left that got annoyed with me talking loudly about Foursquare.com and decided to have, to my amazement, a giant hissy fit. He actually ended his phone call, stormed outside and glared at me through the window.

I am rarely so pleased with myself.

Grinning like a jackass, I noticed another gentleman enjoying the misty Pittsburgh air between light afternoon rains:

Its almost too easy.

"Ohmigawd, I'm so glad I got out of the garage early today to have enough time to stop by and get a Soy Cinnamon Dulce Latte Extra Hawt! All that oil on the floor was giving me a real headache! Yuck! Speaking of Hawt... oh hello Mr Man over there running without a shirt on! Yoohoo!"

Got a caption? Leave a comment.

Conspiracy Theories Come to Life.

DO NOT, UNDER PENALTY OF NEAR DEATH, EVER RENT A CAR FROM ENTERPRISE ON 6TH STREET IN DOWNTOWN PITTSBURGH.

You might ask why.  I'll get into that in just a moment.  Before I do, I want to apologize for the conspiracy theory, chain letter sounding blog this entry is about to turn into.  Unfortunately it's all true...

For those of you who follow me on Twitter, you may remember some depressed tweets about a girlfriend of mine from work being in a horrible car accident in West Virginia a few days ago.  A tire on their rental car blew out causing she and her friends to end up in a ditch, the car having rolled.  The air bags failed to deploy and paramedics had to cut the roof off the car in order to rescue my friend who was asleep in the back.  The result was 2 collapsed lungs, a shattered right arm and my friend being stuck in a hospital with no friends or family to take care of her via a 70 mile life flight to a hospital in Charleston, West Virginia.

Two other girls I work with took a drive to Charleston yesterday to let her know the hotel was thinking about her.  My girlfriend filled them in on some surprising things about their rental car.

First, as soon as the girls got into the car, they noticed the Check Tire Pressure light was on.  They went back in to question the clerk about it and was advised that the tires had recently been checked but the light was not reset by their mechanics.  The clerk assured them that everything with the tires was fine.

Keep in mind that the cause of the accident was a blown out tire.

Second, and the details on this one are sketchy at best, but appearently their rental had it's airbags removed by the rental company.  Your guess is as good as mine on the reason why... but yeah. 

The bottom line is they were given an unsafe rental car with its safety features removed so IF there WAS an accident... well the result of IF there WAS an accident was detailed above when I described what happened to my friend.

To tie this entry up, the rental car came from Enterprise Rent A Car on 6th Street in downtown Pittsburgh. 

Basically, I know they've lost my hotel's business and recommendations.  I know they've lost my personal business and recommendations and that of my manager and other employees.   Three guests just tonight came to us asking for rentals.

We sent them to Avis.

OMGitsJen.com Exclusive: Pirates Unveil New Marketing Strategy with 20-0 Loss to Brewers.

Following the 20-0 loss to the Milwaukee Brewers this afternoon, Robert Nutting took Major League Baseball by surprise by announcing a new marketing strategy for the 2010 season.

"Its been a few years in the works," Nutting said with a huge smile. "We weren't really sure what the response would be but we're certain that the City of Pittsburgh will be behind our team 100% in our new rebranding of the Pittsburgh Pirates."

Rebranding? What could ownership possibly have up its sleeve to drive up sales to the hurting, if not whimsically beloved, Pittsburgh Pirates?

"The Pirate organization has been toying with the idea of renaming the team for a while. Now, we think its the perfect time to unveil our new team: The Pittsburgh Pranks!"

New Pittsburgh Pranks uniform crest and color scheme

"Just kidding Pittsburgh," Nutting added with a knowing grin. "The Prank's really on you."

Just One of the Many Reasons I Love this City

As seen from the Strip District this afteroon:

Peace Love and Little Donuts.

The boyfriend and I headed out to Deluca's this afternoon. While we were on Smallman Street, we saw the sign for Peace Love and Little Donuts. I'd had a donut from this fine establishment before but had never been...

Folks, I'm not even fooling when I say it: GO TO PEACE LOVE AND LITTLE DONUTS.

Their operation is modest. Batter is professionally mixed in small vat that hangs over a conveyor belt type fryer. Your freshly made donut is then plucked up by Doug (our donut artist this afternoon) to be hand decorated with the your topping of choice and is then presented to you via napkin, bag or tray.

Its the most magical experience a Foodie like myself could ask for. You name it, they'll put it on a donut. Cinnamon? Sure! Orange? Yep! Raspberry and Oreo? They have that too. Bacon? Yes. Yes! They will put bacon on your donut.

Doug, the guy behind the counter, really makes the store unique. Lets face it, a bacon/maple donut is hard to one up but Doug's personality and engaging conversation made the trip all that much better. I'll certainly go back to the Smallman location with hopes of seeing him there again. He even offered a free chocolate donut with chocolate topping and an awesome little peace sign he made out of pretzel sticks.

Its mind blowing, really.

Doug also shared some great information regarding new locations in downtown. The owner, Ron Razete, has a store in Fernando's Cafe at 963 Liberty Ave (between Garrison and 10th) and divulged plans for a 3rd location somewhere on Smithfield.

You can follow them on Twitter @peacelovedonuts or check out their website at http://www.peaceloveandlittledonuts.com/ Woo!

I think its safe to say that I'm devising an evil plot to make some great first impressions at my new job by bringing in some bacon/maple donuts on my first day.

Top 3 are bacon/maple. The bottom 3 are orange, cinnamon slam and banana. Yeah... its THAT good.

BAM I'M A GIRL

Any reason to use a picture of Gwen is a good one.

Quick update: AAAAHAHAHAAHAHHAAHA I GOT THE JOB!!!!!

So, as of 4/30/2010, I quit my job in downtown to take... another job downtown. I'm a glutton for punishment and taxes on the privilege to work in downtown Pittsburgh. Mayor Rapemypocketsenstahl makes sure my desire for being poor is satiated.

For the record, they're pretty much promising the sun, moon and stars to me at this new property so if they don't follow up in 6 months, guess who's hitting the pavement again? Oh, its me!

Also, if you haven't guessed, I love to write. I've got this total pipe dream to be paid to write my observations on a regular basis. I caught an ad on Craig's List the other day looking for a "Writing Maven" in Pittsburgh. If awarded the blogger position, I'd get to write about all the stuff I write about anyway and get paid monthly for it. Do you know what an incredible opportunity that is for me? Just the sheer prospect of it?

I would totally feel successful!

That was 2 weeks ago now, I'm starting to lose hope... so I'll keep writing here for free.

Woo

My friend @EricaRocks and I were talking about my departure from the hotel this afternoon at work. I relayed the rather humorous information that since word is getting around the campfire that I'm leaving, some not-so-secret admirers have started crawling out of the woodwork.

Since I turned in my two weeks notice, I've received no less than 4 phone numbers from male soon-to-be-ex-coworkers. I bring this up not to gloat (though I must say I'm pretty impressed with myself) but for the sheer comedic value. Seriously dudes, what the hell? Where were you when I was single? And what the hell do you expect to happen now? Sure, I'll hand out my 10 digits to whomever asks, area code first, but if you're trying to Slick Rick your way into a date or something... think again. That ship has sailed.

Mmm I got a man! [SAAAAH-NAAAP]

Also, where the fuck were you boneheads when I was single? Not saying anything here other than, damn... the opportunity for some fun could have existed.

Too bad, so sad.

Anyway, so I'm sitting there talking to @EricaRocks about all this (and I promise, she really does Rock) and our conversation sort of turned to the effect I have on people in general.

I've always felt my philosophy on life was pretty simple: Do unto others as I would have others do unto me, if you don't like me, go to hell and surround myself with beautiful individuals so I can sap all their good qualities out of them in my last ditch efforts to take over the world.

Pretty simple, right?

I'm coming to realize, especially these past few weeks, that this philosophy really is pretty unique and I have a certain method of both presenting and living it. I don't pretend to understand my own methods. I just tell the truth and allow honesty to guide my self expression.

So @EricaRocks was trying to explain my personality's impact on those around me, since I honestly don't get the draw. Anyway, what I think she was really trying to tell me is that I have a big personality that demands attention. But what she said was:

"You know... I think its just that you're kind of like... BAM I'M A GIRL!!! ...and the rest of us are just kind of like little lightbulbs flickering behind you."

What a statement!

Like seriously, what a great compliment. I mean, I sort of am that person that likes to stick out in a crowd. I don't go out of my way to seek attention, it just sort of comes to me but I'd never shy away from it. I like being memorable and unique. I like being radiant and full of life. So hey... BAM!

I'm a girl.

Post Script:

During Buccos season, I like to ask my friends the same dumb question every year. "You play for MLB. You're at bat. What's your music?" to which I typically receive the same response, "Oh man!! Hmm... that's a hard one. I'll get back to you. What's yours?"

"No Doubt, I'm Just a Girl." duh!

A Day in the Life

Prologue, I need to get something off my chest:

Hey Men,

Its really dumb when you complain about girls talking about their period. Its not like we're going into the gory details when we just mention the words "period" "cramps" "bloating" or "Midol." Grow up! We put up with your stupid fart jokes, you can deal with us having to deal with an actual medical condition.

Complain about eating when I talk about my period, I'll really start telling you about the bloody chicken fetus and nausea caused by the pain of ovarian cysts and endometriosis. I'll be happy to share stories of psycho girls I know that throw their used tampons at the men that piss them off. I'll be sure to explain, in depth, exactly what I mean when I say "bloody chicken fetus."

Also, if you're one of those types that says a woman's period isn't cause for her to go psycho and become a bitch for 3-4 days out of the month, I'd like to invite you to bleed for a week and not die and see how fucking good of a mood you're in.

Moral: Don't fuck with me.

Now that that's clear: hi!

I woke up this morning at about 9:30 am. In my mid-morning haze, I rolled over and rubbed the sleep out of my eyes while the boyfriend mowed down some oak trees next to me. While I snuggled up to him and drifted back off to sleep, my brain spun out of control thinking about the great day I had planned with him.

I wasn't planning on getting out of bed until 11am to start getting ready for my 1pm interview. I did a sleepy inventory of the things I needed.

Hair products: check

Pants suit: check

Winning personality: check

Make up: check

Shoes: check

Pantyhose: check

Wait wait wait... wait a damn minute. Go back one... shoes? Where were my shoes? Oh shit! They were in my closet at home. Not my boyfriend's closet 10 feet away from me. How could I forget them when I was packing? Oh my God, what an idiot. What a nerd! I live and breathe shoes. How do I forget my shoes???

What do I do? Can I go back to the house real quick to pick them up? There's probably not enough time because Pittsburgh traffic is more satiric melodrama than a Christopher Durang script. Should I go to work before my interview and pick up my work shoes before I go? I could but they're stinky and I don't want this woman I'm interviewing with thinking that I smell like feet.

I texted my mother for advice.

She goes, "Go buy some."

Thanks for feeding my shopping addiction, Mom. Especially when it's shoes. You know my weakness is shoes. I can't say no to a trip to go shoe shopping. Its impossible. I dragged myself out of bed, grabbed my make up bag and headed to the bathroom to try and sort out my dilemma and come to a resolution that wasn't going to cost me money.

Fifteen minutes later, I still hadn't thought of anything and my make up was perfectly applied. I looked at my phone and realized that had my alarm actually been set for the time I'd thought it was set for, it would be going off in 4 minutes. But since it wasn't set, it's a good thing I already was up and had my make up on.

Stressing out way too much, I made up my decision. I had to go shoe shopping.

After I stopped my boyfriend from landscaping in his sleep with a nudge, he suggested Target for cheap and fast. Ok good, great... fine. They won't have super cute shoes that will take me an hour to decide between. They'll have ugly, cheap shoes I'll have to force myself to spend money on. Maybe I can bring them back later and get a refund. YEAH! What a twist!

So we went to Target.

We separated as soon as we walked into the Target on Mcknightmare Road. He headed to Starbucks (cuz he's a boss) and I beelined for the shoe department.

Taking a deep breath that smelled and tasted like delicious leather, I bravely stepped into an aisle of women's heels. Even in a Debbie Downer of a place like Targhetto, being surrounded by beautiful finishing touches and outfit opportunities turned out to be intoxicating.

By the time my boyfriend caught back up to me, I had narrowed my search down to 4 possibilities which had been pulled off the shelf and were situated strategically in a semi circle around me. All of which were acceptable, none of which I wanted to go home without. There was a pointed bunny heel pair with which I fell instantly in love. There was a stiletto faux alligator pair which were gorgeous but brown and my pants suit was black. There was a patent leather stiletto pair and finally an open toed red pair that screamed my name so loud I felt them climax in my hand.

I was torn. This was an impossible decision. Why couldn't the brown faux alligator shoes be black or red? Why did the red pair have to be open toed? Why couldn't I be wearing a skirt to this interview so the patent leather pair reflected all the right moves?

Under the ever so patient eye of my boyfriend (who ended up wandering over to the electronics department to avoid my "what do you think" questions), I decided on the bunny heels and got the hell out of there before I could change my mind. Before doing so, I asked an employee to direct me to pantyhose.

"Excuse me, could you tell me where I could find some pantyhose?"

She blinked at me like I was speaking Martian, "Pantyhose? You want pantyhose?"

"...Yes, I would like to buy pantyhose." Is this now PeopleOfTarget.com?

I was finally able to mime out the item I was looking for and received directions that sent me into a new time zone. After wandering around for 3 minutes, I was able to locate pantyhose, stockings, thigh highs, knee highs, nylons, stockings, leggings, hose, and hosiery all by myself.

I went back to my boyfriend's place in the Mexican War Streets, got into character and gave the universe the finger as I walked out of the house and headed to my interview. New shoes always give me a boost of confidence... and these little babies were no exception.

I walked into the hotel I was interviewing at and was met with plenty of handshakes. These people didn't seem to realize I was there for just an agent's position and wasn't planning on taking over the hotel any time soon. One gentleman came in with two trombone cases, being nebby n'at I totally asked him if he was with the symphony. He started asking where he was supposed to go and just before I told him "straight to hell," I realized he thought I worked for the property and and smiled and asked the dude behind the desk for help.

Finally, after 20 minutes, the woman I was meeting with came out, escorted me over to the buffet area and we sat and chatted for an hour.

Yes... an hour. Just BS'g about hockey and booze and food. Basically, I love this woman. She loves me. We love each other. She offered me the job.

I took it.

AAAHAHAHAHAAHAH!!!

She also told me a lot of things I probably shouldn't know... how to impress the GM. What to do to move up in the company. Who to trust, who not to talk to. Its so great being easy to talk to. People love talking to me so I get all the gossip. Woo!

So... I get to turn in my 2 weeks tomorrow. Less than a week after my beau gets fired, I'm peacing out on them too. They're totally going to think the two are related... fortunately for me, I told my boss over a month ago that I was looking for another job so this shouldn't be coming too much from left field.

I doubt they expected it this quickly though.

This entry is totally TL;DR! I'm not sorry. Get fucked if you didn't read it, I'm awesome.

...What a Predicament...

Ever have a friend who you just look at and you're like, "Wow, I think she's totally screwing up her life." Ok well typically, I'm that friend.

So imagine my surprise when I've actually become the concerned friend. The friend who sees her friend being taken for a ride, being taken advantage of and knows for a fact that she's never going to get what she thinks she wants.

Its quite the pickle.

On one hand, I want to tell her, "Listen, this is totally not what you think... and on top of that, I can totally prove it if we start a) comparing notes or b) start asking some well thought out questions to some of our mutual girlfriends."

On the other, I want to butt out. Her life isn't my business. Even though I'm pretty sure I know the whole story, I'm not 100% for sure. I don't claim to know everything that goes on in the world.

But it doesn't take a genius to figure out whats going on if you take a look at the facts.

It just takes me.

Me who's easy to talk to. Me who's been around the block a couple of times herself. Me who's been taken advantage of. Me... who knows whats going on plain as the nose on your face.

And if you're the douche who this post is about... you better be worried.

I Am an Asshole and I'm Totally Comfortable With It

Legit: I am an asshole.

Things that I have no business laughing at crack me up. The Germans call it Schadenfreude but Americans call it Being a Bastard.

Preface: Listen, we all have our problems. I know I certainly have some big ones. The difference between you, dear Reader, and I is that I realize no one's really interested my problems... hell even I'm not that interested in my problems. They simply aren't worth the perverted, masochistic worship that so many people believe they are.

Thus, I choose to rise above them and allow them to figure themselves out. Because I've made this decision, people call me naive.

I call myself evolved.

The Nitty-Gritty: I have a great ability to assess a situation in less than 30 seconds and find comedic value in it. I'm probably cynical because of it but hey... such is life. Anyone that's spent any amount of time with me will tell you that I'm good for peanut gallery comments and 3rd party observations. Sometimes its good for advice, mostly it just puts a smile on my friends' faces.

That said, go ahead and judge me for judging you if you do something dumb.

Doesn't there have to be a time where you step off the CrazyMobile and say to the world, "Hey World, I'm taking back control of my life so fuck you!" Or is it better to make yourself miserable in a situation you don't want to be in?

My favorite version of Schadenfreude comes from you Nerds out there that crave drama so much that you complain about it while you invite it into your life. You broke up with a boyfriend that cheated on you, but you answer the phone every time he calls. You want her to quit texting you, but you text her back every time your phone chirps. You think they're an asshole but you can't wait to tell them.

Don't you have to shit or get off the pot at some point? Like isn't there a level of commitment required to not make yourself insane? Do you prefer to be miserable or is this just something to talk about during dinner when you're on your next date?

Cuz its SOOO hawt to complain about drama on a date.

In conclusion, dear Reader, I'm running out of popcorn so stop making me laugh. Start being brave enough to make the tough decisions in life which raise you up instead of bringing you down.