A Day in the Life

Prologue, I need to get something off my chest:

Hey Men,

Its really dumb when you complain about girls talking about their period. Its not like we're going into the gory details when we just mention the words "period" "cramps" "bloating" or "Midol." Grow up! We put up with your stupid fart jokes, you can deal with us having to deal with an actual medical condition.

Complain about eating when I talk about my period, I'll really start telling you about the bloody chicken fetus and nausea caused by the pain of ovarian cysts and endometriosis. I'll be happy to share stories of psycho girls I know that throw their used tampons at the men that piss them off. I'll be sure to explain, in depth, exactly what I mean when I say "bloody chicken fetus."

Also, if you're one of those types that says a woman's period isn't cause for her to go psycho and become a bitch for 3-4 days out of the month, I'd like to invite you to bleed for a week and not die and see how fucking good of a mood you're in.

Moral: Don't fuck with me.

Now that that's clear: hi!

I woke up this morning at about 9:30 am. In my mid-morning haze, I rolled over and rubbed the sleep out of my eyes while the boyfriend mowed down some oak trees next to me. While I snuggled up to him and drifted back off to sleep, my brain spun out of control thinking about the great day I had planned with him.

I wasn't planning on getting out of bed until 11am to start getting ready for my 1pm interview. I did a sleepy inventory of the things I needed.

Hair products: check

Pants suit: check

Winning personality: check

Make up: check

Shoes: check

Pantyhose: check

Wait wait wait... wait a damn minute. Go back one... shoes? Where were my shoes? Oh shit! They were in my closet at home. Not my boyfriend's closet 10 feet away from me. How could I forget them when I was packing? Oh my God, what an idiot. What a nerd! I live and breathe shoes. How do I forget my shoes???

What do I do? Can I go back to the house real quick to pick them up? There's probably not enough time because Pittsburgh traffic is more satiric melodrama than a Christopher Durang script. Should I go to work before my interview and pick up my work shoes before I go? I could but they're stinky and I don't want this woman I'm interviewing with thinking that I smell like feet.

I texted my mother for advice.

She goes, "Go buy some."

Thanks for feeding my shopping addiction, Mom. Especially when it's shoes. You know my weakness is shoes. I can't say no to a trip to go shoe shopping. Its impossible. I dragged myself out of bed, grabbed my make up bag and headed to the bathroom to try and sort out my dilemma and come to a resolution that wasn't going to cost me money.

Fifteen minutes later, I still hadn't thought of anything and my make up was perfectly applied. I looked at my phone and realized that had my alarm actually been set for the time I'd thought it was set for, it would be going off in 4 minutes. But since it wasn't set, it's a good thing I already was up and had my make up on.

Stressing out way too much, I made up my decision. I had to go shoe shopping.

After I stopped my boyfriend from landscaping in his sleep with a nudge, he suggested Target for cheap and fast. Ok good, great... fine. They won't have super cute shoes that will take me an hour to decide between. They'll have ugly, cheap shoes I'll have to force myself to spend money on. Maybe I can bring them back later and get a refund. YEAH! What a twist!

So we went to Target.

We separated as soon as we walked into the Target on Mcknightmare Road. He headed to Starbucks (cuz he's a boss) and I beelined for the shoe department.

Taking a deep breath that smelled and tasted like delicious leather, I bravely stepped into an aisle of women's heels. Even in a Debbie Downer of a place like Targhetto, being surrounded by beautiful finishing touches and outfit opportunities turned out to be intoxicating.

By the time my boyfriend caught back up to me, I had narrowed my search down to 4 possibilities which had been pulled off the shelf and were situated strategically in a semi circle around me. All of which were acceptable, none of which I wanted to go home without. There was a pointed bunny heel pair with which I fell instantly in love. There was a stiletto faux alligator pair which were gorgeous but brown and my pants suit was black. There was a patent leather stiletto pair and finally an open toed red pair that screamed my name so loud I felt them climax in my hand.

I was torn. This was an impossible decision. Why couldn't the brown faux alligator shoes be black or red? Why did the red pair have to be open toed? Why couldn't I be wearing a skirt to this interview so the patent leather pair reflected all the right moves?

Under the ever so patient eye of my boyfriend (who ended up wandering over to the electronics department to avoid my "what do you think" questions), I decided on the bunny heels and got the hell out of there before I could change my mind. Before doing so, I asked an employee to direct me to pantyhose.

"Excuse me, could you tell me where I could find some pantyhose?"

She blinked at me like I was speaking Martian, "Pantyhose? You want pantyhose?"

"...Yes, I would like to buy pantyhose." Is this now PeopleOfTarget.com?

I was finally able to mime out the item I was looking for and received directions that sent me into a new time zone. After wandering around for 3 minutes, I was able to locate pantyhose, stockings, thigh highs, knee highs, nylons, stockings, leggings, hose, and hosiery all by myself.

I went back to my boyfriend's place in the Mexican War Streets, got into character and gave the universe the finger as I walked out of the house and headed to my interview. New shoes always give me a boost of confidence... and these little babies were no exception.

I walked into the hotel I was interviewing at and was met with plenty of handshakes. These people didn't seem to realize I was there for just an agent's position and wasn't planning on taking over the hotel any time soon. One gentleman came in with two trombone cases, being nebby n'at I totally asked him if he was with the symphony. He started asking where he was supposed to go and just before I told him "straight to hell," I realized he thought I worked for the property and and smiled and asked the dude behind the desk for help.

Finally, after 20 minutes, the woman I was meeting with came out, escorted me over to the buffet area and we sat and chatted for an hour.

Yes... an hour. Just BS'g about hockey and booze and food. Basically, I love this woman. She loves me. We love each other. She offered me the job.

I took it.

AAAHAHAHAHAAHAH!!!

She also told me a lot of things I probably shouldn't know... how to impress the GM. What to do to move up in the company. Who to trust, who not to talk to. Its so great being easy to talk to. People love talking to me so I get all the gossip. Woo!

So... I get to turn in my 2 weeks tomorrow. Less than a week after my beau gets fired, I'm peacing out on them too. They're totally going to think the two are related... fortunately for me, I told my boss over a month ago that I was looking for another job so this shouldn't be coming too much from left field.

I doubt they expected it this quickly though.

This entry is totally TL;DR! I'm not sorry. Get fucked if you didn't read it, I'm awesome.