FML: You're Doing it Wrong...

Today I'm going to touch on something very dear to my heart. The usage of "FML" which, for those of you who don't know, stands for "Fuck My Life."

Dear Internet Users,

PLEASE STOP TAKING THE INTERNET SO GOD DAMNED SERIOUSLY!!!

The internet is not real life. For God's sake, stop treating it like it is!

If I have a headache, I'm going to use FML! If I just stubbed my toe, I'm going to use FML. If I forgot to do something at work and I'm going to get written up because of it, guess what? FML. If you tell me that I can't use FML, I'm using FML.

People who actually describe "FML" to be reserved only and specifically for horrible, awful, life changing events are insane. Why would you say FML outside of the internet? Its like walking around and saying "LOL" or "WTF?" or "ROFLcopter." You don't use internet lingo in real life (unless you're hanging out with people you know from the internet in which case it can be semi-funny given the situation) so don't use real life logic on the internet.

Can you actually imagine this scenario?

"My child just died. FML."

"I just lost a limb. FML"

"I just got raped and killed. FML."

Call me crazy, I don't think those situations are really the correct place to be using "FML"

FML is the laptop keyboard, cellphone touch screen, text-speak version of "facepalming" in real life. Its a way to express "are you fucking kidding me?" without actually saying "are you fucking kidding me?" Its a way to quickly say, "God life really sucks sometimes but I'll get through this" without going into detail. Its a way to vent without being offensive.

Unless the person reading your FML starts criticizing you for using FML then I really want to FML for listening to a person like you.

If you don't want to use FML, fine. Don't. Please! But, for the love of God, don't deter someone from using humor to express themselves or aggravate someone else's frustrations by wagging an eFinger at them to tell them they're doing it wrong.

...and a Blue Phone... to beat you with

I fucking hate that commercial.

When Nationwide started its campaign with the Greatest Spokesman in the World, I thought wow... this might actually be really exciting. No joke, I was looking forward to some great writing because when The Spokesman was still chopping wood as a hermit it seemed like these commercials had a ton of potential.

Then Nationwide unleashes that piece of shit onto the world and suddenly Subway's 5 Dollar Foot Long commercial looks like it's a big budget deal and that Flo from Progressive really knows her stuff.

Even Ovechkin's commercials with Geico looked witty (see what I did there?)

So please, Nationwide, if you want me on your side you'll either get rid of your big blue-eyed, contracted monkey or rewrite this garbage. My generation deserves better.

PS: do you have a favorite commercial or one you positively loathe? Lemme know. Link it to me on Twitter or comment here on the blog. Note: If you use the eTrade Baby, you lose points because the eTrade Baby is too obviously full of awesome. "Milk-a-Whaaat?"

I'm George!

Remember that episode of Seinfeld called "The Opposite" where George gets everything he wants by deciding to do the opposite of everything he's ever done because nothing ever works out for him? Jerry always breaks even and Elaine loses her job and boyfriend:

I looked in the mirror yesterday. My hair could use a trim, I still haven't gotten my contacts replaced so I'm dependent on my glasses. Its getting warmer out so I took a gander at my closet and realized my clothes are kind of tired. I still haven't cleaned up around here because I've been too mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted to deal with it. The boyfriend and I have been "out of sync" lately. I've had a few job interviews that went pretty well but inevitably resulted in receiving a rejection letter.

I've become George!

It's as terrifying as you might think! Send help! Please!

A Hockey Fan's Plea: SHUT UP ABOUT COOKE!

Alexander Ovechkin got a 2 game suspension for this hit:

Dear Washington Capitals Fans,

LMFAO!!! Please cry tears of injustice over this. Please! I understand that Washington Capitals Fan tears cure cancer. Also, please continue to blame Matt Cooke's hit on Marc Savard for Ovechkin's penalty.

Just for the sake of argument, lets compare the two hits shall we?

WOW!

They look NOTHING alike!

One was a headshot, the other was a boarding call. One was an accident, the other was pretty intentional. One was from Matt Cooke... the other was from what the NHL has since deemed to be a "repeat offender."

No Superstar Treatment again for you.

Any hockey fan who is following the media's lead that the Ovechkin suspension is a direct result of the Cooke hit is a sheep. Worse yet, their shepherds are Doc and Edzo since it was those two jokers that originally brought up the idea that "Beeg Ruski Skoror" was on the ice when Cooke hit Savard. How else could Ovechkin have been penalized for it?

If that last part didn't make sense to you, good. It wasn't supposed to. That means you can use logic.

Another thought to ponder: why is no one talking about Mike Richards with as much passion as they're talking about Matt Cooke? David Booth got splattered across the ice and Richards didn't even get a slap on the wrist but Cooke is Satan (sans #81). I guess this just proves that Matt Cooke is better than Mike Richards at say... everything?

Except Leadership, right? Isn't it ironic how Ovechkin and Richards are captains? Don't you think?

A little too ironic... and yeah I really do think they're shitty teams.

Go ahead and blah blah blah me about how the Caps have 101 points to the Pens 87 (hi Sid) since its regular season point totals that win Stanley Cup Championships... oh wait.

Talk to me about how Sid and Geno are now marked men in Boston, like its not something they aren't already dealing with... oh wait:

Meanwhile I'll talk to you about how Macho Man Steve Downie went after Pretty Boy Ovechkin earlier this season but Pretty Boy couldn't fight for himself so Bradley had to step in for him:

1:30

Hey Steve Downie, I'm pretty sure I could beat up Ovechkin. I'm not sure why you'd waste your time stepping up to Beeg Mahn but whatever your reason, I'm sure it was Matt Cooke's fault too.

Here's an exchange I had with Kyle Roussel earlier:

kyleroussel @TSNBobMcKenzie Why can't recklessness and stupidity be the big factor instead of the result of recklessness and stupidity?

omgitsjen @kyleroussel cuz you can't prove intent unless you get those precogs from Minority Report to tell you before it happens.

kyleroussel

@omgitsjen I didn't say anything about intent; that's tough to prove. Stupid and reckless isn't

omgitsjen @kyleroussel well that's just opinion. Ask any of his fans how AWESOME he is and they'll tell you. Whats dumb to us is great to them.

kyleroussel

@omgitsjen well he is awesome...but the intelligence on the ice is sorely lacking at times. Seemingly more and more often.

omgitsjen @kyleroussel Wouldn't intelligence sort of factor into his awesome play? Great players don't leave a wake of injured players behind them.

kyleroussel

@omgitsjen He's Jeckyll and Hyde. When the puck is on his stick, he represents great hockey. When it's not on his stick...yikes.

omgitsjen @kyleroussel Touche. Unfortunately, I believe his legacy may reflect his Hyde personae but it'll depend on if he opts to mature as a person

kyleroussel

@omgitsjen In the end, IMO, we will be unable to separate both sides of him. It's why we never refer to Jeckyll without talking about Hyde.

#blamemattcooke

Matt Cooke doesn't have a wake of injured players following him around the league or a Jeckyll and Hyde duality. Matt Cooke's intelligence doesn't come into debate regarding the physical game he brings to the table every time he steps on the ice. Matt Cooke got suspended in November. He didn't get suspended again in March.

I could embed a montage of some of Ovechkin's greatest goals over this past year. I could play devil's advocate with myself and say that you know what, Ovechkin really is a great player. But great players like Lemieux and even Gretzky had too much class to take a run at someone... so unfortunately, all the "great" Ovechkin does will forever be overshadowed by how filthy a player he is.

Skip to 1:00 and 1:21 and lament with me the potential that will never be realized.

Yep, I'm Blogging About Star Wars.

Dear Mr George Lucas,

Thank you for "completing" your 6 part movie series Star Wars with the first 3 episodes some 5 years ago. As I watch them in marathon format on Spike TV tonight, I would like to just point out a couple of things I've noticed.

1) Darth Maul was a badass. He should have been killed off in a glorious style by his own mentor to be replaced as a protege by Darth Vader. Additionally, this should have happened in Attack of the Clones.

2) Boba Fett shouldn't have died in the sarlacc pit. Lando Calrissian should have. I don't care what my friend, Jake, says. Lando was a little bitch and didn't even come close to redeeming himself by the end of Return of the Jedi.

3) Hayden Christensen was a great choice as an actor for Anakin Skywalker. Anyone else that says otherwise is an idiot. No one could have pulled of "whiny, little bitch" like Hayden. Anakin was supposed to be portrayed exactly as Christensen demonstrated. If you disagree, get fucked. You didn't pay attention to the story.

4) Yoda is the undisputed champion of the series (forget Luke Skywalker) but I would have paid good money to see a fight between him and Darth Maul. Like we're talking Superbowl/Bruce Springsteen/pay-per-view level pricing. I would have taken a vacation from work, traveled 3000 miles and camped out for a week for those tickets.

5) After careful deliberation with several friends regarding Randall's argument about destroying the unfinished Death Star in Return of the Jedi, I'd have to side with the random customer. Fuck them assholes. There's better way to make money then working for a bunch of evil bastards.

6) I still don't get Amidala's make up or costumes. They looked great!! But I don't get the necessity of it all.

7) What exactly was the age difference between Amidala and Anakin because fuck that's gotta be at least what? 8 to 10 years? At LEAST?! Coooougar!

I reserve the right to add more at any time.

Sincerely,

OMGitsJen

OMG its Alexei Ponikarovsky: Speak Ukrainian to Me, Baby!

The first time I spoke to Alexei Ponikarovsky, I wanted to take him home and lock him in my basement.

That probably sounds horrible. It is horrible. Its terrible, I take it back.

No I don't.

When I first started watching the Pens around this time last year, I was shocked by how many girls thought Geno Malkin was a total hottie or how sexy Sidney Crosby is. Like listen, ok... they're both great players. They skate like sex on ice (well Sid does, Geno sort of just falls over and still manages to get a shot off while he's on his ass)! I'll concede that I have a mad crush on Max Talbot but I would never, ever puck bunny out over any them.

These puck bunnies horrified me. Not only do they commit the most atrocious sin known to sports by wearing a man's number in pink, but they dress up in glitter, too much eye makeup, skinny jeans and heels then accessorize with an oversized tote bag, like this look is really going to get Flower to notice them in section E1. Or worse yet, they put on wedding dresses and wave signs that say, "Marry Me Sidney."

I was disgusted. These women make me ashamed to be a female fan...

Then they started talking about trading Luca Caputi for Poni and my eyebrows went up so high that they came off my face.

Ponikarovsky? From the Maple Leafs? One of my other favorite teams regardless of how bad they are? Like... MY Alexei Ponikarovsky? The same guy I was sighing over after he walked away from me last year or was drooling over when I sat in the ACC's version of E1 back in January?

Immediately, it became a no brainer. Daddy Shero HAD to pick up Poni. Of course, he'd be great with Feds and Geno on the 2nd line. God DUH!! Are you guys REALLY talking about Colby Armstrong when Poni's a prospect? Get out of here you know-nothing, Poni's the man. I caught myself getting overly excited about the option of Ponikarovsky coming to the Pens and reminded myself:

I'm a fan of the sport.

Thus, I am personally offended by how hot the Ukraine Train is because I refuse to turn into a blubbering 14 year old girl when I see him on my TV, suited up at a game or ...you know maybe wandering around by himself... whatever. It's like... my god, someone turn on the AC in here or tell me to stick my head out the window. Its a menace to my fandom! This is an outrage.

But its one that I'll gladly put up with.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JEN. I GOT A LAPTOP!!!

I'm a real blogger now. That is all.