Thanks, Monty...

The people who live directly behind us own a little Maltese or Westie or some other kind fluffy white lap dog that isn't Monty.

This dog regularly barks and barks and BARKS and barks for no reason that I can see.  I'm sure I'm as sick of that dog as its owners are of mine... which honestly is to say, he doesn't bother me that much.  But I could see where someone would get annoyed with Monty.

ANYWAY...

I was up till about 2am watching Star Wars, fell asleep and was woken up at 7:40 this morning by that little Maltese or Westie or some other kind of fluffy white lap dog barking is bloody head off.  The dog was seriously PISSED about something.  This was the first time he'd ever woken me up with his barking.

I tried ignoring it at first but it just wasn't happening.  I rolled over and the boyfriend was still snoozing in bed next to me.  He has an 8am class in downtown.  "Babe, what time is your class?"  I asked just in case I was wrong. 

Across the alley behind the house, the dog immediately quit yapping.

My boyfriend bolted upright and sprung out of bed cursing his alarm clock and was out the door in 10 minutes.

Monty, meanwhile, yawned.  Peed on the carpet and went back to sleep in his bed.

Good to know we're safe if there's a fire.

Jennifer Mathieson: THIS is Your Life

I don't usually like to blog about work.  I've made the occasional exception like when I'm trying to raise money for Feed the Children or share the great news of getting promoted... but the day to day happenings, I try to keep that shit under wraps.

Tonight, I can't NOT share it.  I swear to God: this is my life.

So, dear Reader, let me take you on a story:

So, I have a bit of a head cold and my voice completely reflects it.  I'm standing with one of my associates at the front desk this afternoon when a woman walks in.  Being the friendly, welcoming, customer service oriented person I am, I immediately greet her, albeit horsely,  "Good afternoon ma'am.  How are you today?"

She smiles as she crosses the lobby and says, "I'm very well.  How are you this afternoon?"

"Oh... well, I'm hanging in there," I squeak with a meek little laugh.

She stops in her tracks and frowns at me, "Oh there's none of that."

Automatically assuming she's looking for something and not finding it, I want to address the situation and correct it.  "I'm sorry??"

"Do you believe?" She asks.

I blink.  "I'm... believe?"

She approaches me and leans over the desk, "Are you Christian, dear?"

I have absolutely no idea what to say.  I've never had a perfect stranger ask me about my belief system so abruptly nor do I really want to involve myself in a potentially judgmental situation at work.  Was I raised Christian, sure... I guess.  Do I have an organized belief, uh... no actually.  Do I want to tell a Fundamentalist Christian woman that and get a lecture in return?  Yeah, no... no I don't.  At all.

So I try to be as diplomatic as possible by saying, "I uh... yeah I guess so.  For all intents and purposes."

The lady laughs at me.  "For all intents and purposes?  Well either you do or you don't."  Her tone is very soothing and motherly, very Oracle from The Matrix-esque.

"Uh... well..." I'm very visibly uncomfortable at this point.  I know my associate is standing next to me laughing behind his eyes.

"If you believe, dear, you know there's been plenty of 'Hanging' that's already taken place and so there's no 'Hanging in there' to be done."

I'm legitimately struck speechless.  I have no idea what to say.

Looking back, I'm sure I had mumbled some kind of lame joke as she turned to walk away.

But I turn to my associate and say, "You know what the most ironic thing here is?"

Laughing at me and making a rocking motion with his arms, he says, "That you now feel cradled in the bosom of Christ?"

"No," I reply.  "Earlier today I tweeted something along the lines of 'Oh great, now I'm sick.  WTF else could go wrong this week?' and someone replied to me saying 'Jen, don't say that.  That just opens up the universe to wreck you.' And he was right.  Because now I'm apparently going to Hell."

What Happens When a Yinzer Meets a Tornado?

Pittsburgh experienced some pretty piss poor weather this afternoon.  Since everyone is a journalist these days, there's finally an answer to the age old question of "What Happens When a Yinzer Meets a Tornado?"



Thank you, Tyler Tubbs, for your contribution to society.  You are a gem.

Follow him on Twitter: @tylertubbs17

Au Bon Pain... in the Ass

Scene: Interior 707 Grant Street, Pittsburgh PA 15222.  The Au Bon Pain at the Gulf Tower.  It's 1:20pm.


I'm minding my own business, eating my little bagel and drinking my little coffee when a Businessman in a black suit and red stripped tie sits down about 10 feet from me with a stack of papers.  He looks stressed and his brow is damp.  He has a stack of papers on the table which he immediately spreads out and makes a mess of.  He picks up his phone and makes a call.  


Through his call, his voice raises.  He stands up and begins pacing around the store.  His voices raises more.  It is becomes clear that he is negotiating some sort of contract.  


I tweet: "Hey Mr Businessman pacing around Au Bon Pain on your cell.  Working lunches are not OUR business so either sit down or stay in your office.


Immediately the Older Man next to me, dressed nicer than the businessman, turns around and says "Sir, sit down please."


The Businessman obediently complies.


The Businessman is joined by Random Dude in a Gray Suit.  There is an exchanging of whispers and hand gestures which is clearly Corporate Speak for "I'll just be another minute on this call."  "Can I grab some coffee?" "Yeah grab some coffee, I'll just be a minute."


Random Dude exits to get his coffee.  Older Man packs up the remainder of his lunch and exits the store with a look on his face that clearly says, "Dear God, now there's 2 of them."  Businessman stands up and turns a circle.  With his back to me, he grabs and adjusts himself.  I open my laptop.


Random Dude comes back, sits down and sneezes.  From across the room, I say "God Bless You."


Random Dude is totally shocked that a complete stranger would speak to him.  Obviously, he's from out of town.  He says, "Thank you."  I just smile and start typing.


Meanwhile Businessman is yelling about his contract, about things he said and didn't say, etc.  Much to my chagrin, the call finally wraps up with Businessman saying, "Listen, I have to go.  I have another meeting I need to get into."


Businessman sits down and looks at Random Dude in a Gray Suit.  "Sorry, I'm trying to buy some retail in Manhattan."


It becomes evident that Random Dude in a Gray Suit is a client.


Their meeting begins.


I sneeze.  Twice.


That brings me to now.

This very moment.  This moment that I'm typing this for you to read these words.  At this very moment of NOW we, dear reader, are one.  This man, who clearly was once some random jagoff business major at Pitt or Duquesne or CCAC and did kegstands with his stupid fraternity brothers or dropped cherries out of his ass and into shot glasses noticed me sneeze.

He looked at me.

And he didn't say God Bless You.

If this was the movie Dogma, I'd be Loki and holding a gun to his head.

Like seriously, who the fuck do you people think you are coming into MY Au Bon Pain (I'm the mayor on 4sq now bitches) at the corner of Wm Penn Place and 7th Ave, disturbing all the customers here with your stupid contracts and buzzwords and corporate bullshit when they're trying to enjoy their fucking lunch breaks, you assholes?

This is Pittsburgh.

I don't give a shit where you came from or who you are or how much money you make a year.  Have some common decency for the person sitting next to you.  Stop for a second and realize that you carrying on in a Bagel Shop in Downtown Pittsburgh is impressing exactly NO ONE and it's simply your own ego stroking that's annoying exactly everyone in a 30ft radius of you.

If you're really as super great as you think you are, wouldn't you be having these conversations in an office instead of a fucking Bagel Shop?

Your attempts at being trendy failed.  Go back home.

And you, Random Dude... you're gonna get yours.

Aside: One of the servers gave me a blueberry muffin for making her laugh.  I love this place!!!  If you want coffee or bagels or muffins or chili or a softdrink... whatever!!!  Come to the Au Bon Pain at the corner of 7th and Wm Penn Place.  The staff here is exceptional and just fantastic.  They are always very friendly, helpful and the very essence of customer service!!!

It Only Cost a Dollar

My very first print ad.  Of course its on the wall of a bar.  OF COURSE it is!

ZOMG New Post!! Srsly: Check Out Wawadoo.com

Ohi.

So I haven't updated my blog for a while... so for anyone reading this now, it may sound like I'm selling something.  I'm totally not.  I'm going to start writing again soon.  I'm working on a script right now (yerp) but the blog needs to get some love too.

Until that time, I had to pull myself out of mothballs to actually let my readers know that there's a great new startup company here in Pittsburgh with an idea so sensational I seriously had to share it with everyone.

It's called Wawadoo.  There's a link on my blogroll (to the right) so do yourself a favor and click on it and sign up for their beta.

So what's Wawadoo?

Glad you asked.

"Wawadoo" is a mashup for the phrase "what would YOU want to do."  It's an internet recommendation engine.  You're gonna wanna think Pandora or Netflix for real, live events and activities custom tailored to your specific interests and needs.

Log into the site and you'll see a list of events in a variety of categories: Food, activities, nightlife or set up an event to host on your own.  Every time you indicate you like an event with a "thumbs up" or "thumbs down" (hi Pandora) the system takes that information, learns from it and starts spitting out personalized recommendations on things you like to do.

So if you like clubs, it'll tell you about Diesel's next party on East Carson.  If you like Hipster bars, it'll tell you about the PBR specials over at the Beehive.  If you just want a god damn smoothie, oh hello information on Mixsters in Market Square.

Basically, if you're me it's the answer to your prayers.  On any given day (or night), it'll give you an idea on where to meet your girls (or boys) for a get together on the cheap or maybe you want to impress your hot date with your vast knowledge of stuff thats going on (since you're obviously the guy/girl with your finger on the pulse of the Pittsburgh nightlife).

Wawadoo will do all of that.

Best of all, it won't give you the same old shit over and over.  If you're a nerd who's a regular at all of the city's best LAN Parties, it gives you the opportunity to break out of your shell and hit some new stuff.  If you're a Club Kid that wants to try your hand at some D&D, hey... you can get info on that too. Superbowl parties, roller derbies, Doctor Who get togethers, Street Racing... the sky is the limit with this website.

So... check it out.  Go to www.wawadoo.com and enter your email address.  They'll shoot you an invite and you can get started.

Have fun and hope to see you out and about!