Only My Dog...

It started as a simple enough day--busy, like any other.  I got a good night's sleep.  Monty went potty outside (omg treeeeats).  The Boyfriend and I packed him up to go to PETCO for grooming and to run some errands.  

Monty and I met Tiffany at the PETCO on McKnight Road, I told her that while it wasn't his first haircut he was really squirmy and jumpy and excitable and would probably take a good 3hrs to get done properly.  She reassured me, I wished her luck and the Boyfriend and I took off to Giant Eagle to get the rest of our Thanksgiving supplies.

An hour and a half later, we were having breakfast and my phone rang.  It was Tiffany from PETCO.  The Boyfriend munched on his oatmeal and listened to my half of the conversation:

"Oh hi Tiffany...  Oh no, that's ok...  Oh... oh.  Is he ok?  Oh no no no...  Are you ok? ...No, don't apologize, it's ok...  I know how he is, that's why I told you he was so jumpy...  Oh, is it bad?  No it's ok.  Don't be sorry.  It happens. ...Oh...  Oh, well that's ok, he was going to be neutered anyway.  ...Yeah we'll be down in a few minutes, no worries...  See you then."

I hung up and looked at my Boyfriend who's eyes were huge.  "Uh... What the hell is going on?"

I burst out laughing just then realizing what my half of the conversation must have sounded like.  "That was the groomer.  She nicked him a little.  He's fine but they want us to take him to the vet to make sure he's ok."

Him: "...Nicked him... where?"

Me: "Well using her verbiage, his 'little boy parts.' so he got a cut on his balls."

Him" "Oh my god.  This dog.  Nothing is easy with him."

LOL

We went to go get him, he was fine and Tiffany was extremely apologetic.  PETCO comped the grooming and sent us to a vet hospital off Siebert to make sure he was ok and picked up the charge for that too.  I bought him a little green sweater and he was fine.

Monty, looking oh so dapper in his new fall sweater.

I Am Funny. And Now I Have Proof.

I'm just proving everything today, aren't I?

So I was talking to my dear friend Robyn today, who btw is the VP of CleatRepeat (swanky). In case you haven't figured it out by now, they sort of put me in charge of their Twitter account so I've been having fun with that but I digress...

Robyn told me that she spoke to El Presidente of CR earlier this week after giving me the reigns of @CleatRepeat. He goes, "Robyn, oh my God, I can't wait to meet this girl. I was getting all these emails and things from new followers and @ replies on Twitter so I looked up @omgitsjen and saw she had a blog. I read her blog. Robyn, have you ever read it? I laughed my ass off for 30 minutes. She's hilarious."

Or something like that.

Either way... BOOOOOOOM corporate comedy. I'm funny! And that proves it.

Point is: I'm funny... and I write for @CleatRepeat. Follow @CleatRepeat on twitter and you get to giggle. Donate on the website www.cleatrepeat.org and come to our fundraisers and the kids get to play. We all win!

PS Hi Casey. I can't wait to meet you either. ;)

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5

God Has a Twitter Account, I Have Proof

I had the day off from work yesterday. 

Thank GOD I did.  If I had to work during the great Jeff Reed Got Cut By the Pittsburgh Steelers celebration... well I'm not quite sure what would have happened but it probably wouldn't have mattered anyway.

The fact that my fellow Yinzer fans got #jeffreedsnewjob to trend on Twitter was pretty fabulous.  Notable suggestions include Jersey Shore Cast Member, (@i_know_sumshit) The Guy Standing In Front of Liberty Taxes Dressed as Uncle Sam (@omgitsjen, cuz I gotta credit myself in everything har) and Fluffer (@psamp). Although Fluffer was debunked due to the fact that its been proven time and again that Jeff Reed doesn't know how to handle balls.

LULZ

I was crazy productive.  I did a ton of cleaning.  I hope the boyfriend is happy with that because its probably the last time I do it for Fall.  :p Hey, I ususally average about once a season. 

I'm trying, Babe.  REALLY!  I swear!  I'm trying.

He had school yesterday morning.  I got up with him and while he took a shower, I decided to make him a fried egg sandwich and coffee to go and delighted in being a live-in girlfriend for a few minutes.  However, my delight was short lived as I attempted to flip my fried egg with absolutely no success.  The yolk breaks EVERY time.

Living up to my true, Twitter addicted nature, I sent a tweet about it:

@omgitsjen: Fucking dammit.  Istg someday I will be able to properly flip a god damned egg.

Followed by:

@omgitsjen: From my kitchen to God's ears.  I totally flipped it and the yolk didn't break. Eeee!!! http://twitpic.com/37e5q8

If God didn't have a Twitter account, how did he answer my prayers in less than 5 minutes?  Also OMG What if God was one of us... he's totally following me on Twitter.

Can you say that?

Anyway, with 9 days and counting to Thanksgiving, I got confirmation that I'm getting it off.  Do you know how absolutely ecstatic I am??? This is my first big, family, 10 person Thanksgiving feast.  This dinner is going to be epic.  You totally WISH you were going to be eating my bird. 

My folks and the Boyfriend's folks are going to be meeting for the first time.

OMG I JUST REMEMBERED I NEED TO GET ROLLS.  Thank God I decided to blog about Thanksgiving.  How do you forget the rolls??? Duh!

I went to Giant Eagle last night to get some of my shopping done sooner instead of later and was completely pissed off to find that ground cloves cost over $7!  What the effing hell, man?  If it wasn't for those son of a bitching ground cloves, the most expensive thing I would have bought last night would have been like $2.99.  It totally wrecked my mojo in the spice department. 

Robbery! 

Fuckin Pumpkin Pies man.  Small comfort that I won't have to go buy more next year... but that's gonna be the only time I use them.  For my damn pumpkin pies.

OMG I FORGOT WHIPPED CREAM.

What a production.  Whatever.  Like I said... EPIC feast inc on Thursday 11/24. 

OMG A MOBILE BLOG FOR DO GOODING!!!

This app doesn't allow me to post links and junk but LISTEN Super important: follow @cleatrepeat on twitter! ESPECIALLY if you're in the Pgh area. We're starting fundraisers soon, its a great cause and an awesome way to give back during the holiday season

Website: www.cleatrepeat.org

DOOOO IT!

PS go pens!

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5

Satire, Robble Robble!!!

I found this picture on a website called emohaircutstyles.com.  So good!

It's come to my attention that I've been rather emo lately.

Cash money, honey.

One of my coworkers who is (apparently) an avid reader approached me earlier today. "Jen.  I read your blog.  Depressed much?  Jesus!"

Call a girl out while she's on her period why don't you?

Yeah I said it.  Get fucked.

Anyway, with that in mind, I was determined to come home and write something meaningful, something inspirational, something... not sad.

I grasped at straws for a few hours.  Admittedly, I'm being way over dramatic about my life lately.  Shit is not as bad as it seems.  It never is.  But God Damn if it doesn't feel like it really, truly, honestly is sometimes.  What the hell was I going to write about?

Not the Pittsburgh Penguins, that's for sure.

My best girlfriend came over and we had a hell of a bitchfest about work, boys, family, everything.  It was totally Girl Talk, we even talked about her new acrylics.  We drank beer and painted my living room pink.

Figuratively speaking.

Figuratively speaking about painting the living room pink.  We quite literally drank beer.

Anyway, in the back of my mind I was still looking for the comedic anecdote that I could share... nothing was coming to mind.

But oh!!  Here's a good one I just thought of (it really happened):

I was walking down 10th Street yesterday afternoon, made the turn onto Liberty and headed to Smithfield Street.  Halfway down the block, I get stopped by a Bum who noticed I was holding a pack of Marlboro Lights in my left had while I smoked and texted with my right (its all about multitasking).  The Bum goes, "Excuse me Miss.  Ma'am.  Excuse me, Missy Ma'am.  I was wondering if I could have a Marlboro."

I stared at him for a moment like I couldn't quite understanding that he wasn't asking me for money.  I didn't want to talk to anyone, let alone some random Liberty Ave Bum so I shoved my pack of cigarettes into his hand, "What?  Oh fuck, yeah whatever dude.  Here just take my last one, I'm quitting anyway."

I turned and continued on my way down Liberty... only to hear shouted behind me, "Awww yeah, can I quit with you?  Come on, Baby, I need some loving."

...Really Mr Bum?  Yes, yes absolutely.  You're all I've been searching for in my life.  Fucking awesome.  Can we get a cardboard box together?  Awww!!  Has any girl in history said Sure, you seem so nice, let's get it on.  Still, I always shock them when I answer, "Hi my name's Amanda."

Bonus points if you find the Not-So-Hidden Reference.

Anyway, the end.

Going back to the point I was making before I rudely interrupted myself with my own anecdote, I couldn't think of anything really great to write about...

UNTIL:

I got a follow on Twitter today from @BKB_mschroeder admittedly, no idea who this guy is.  I followed him back, said what's up and got hit in the face with this little beauty:

BKB_mschroeder @omgitsjen Yinzers Unite! but seriously i like your writing. random i know.

THAT'S RIGHT!  I got a fan!!

I totally asked him for his autograph.

I'm pretty good at being an asshole, letting a guy I don't know tell me he enjoys reading the shit I write put me in a better mood may not be the definition of "asshole" but its still a pretty great compliment.

Thanks Mike!!!

Heartbreak Hotel

He looks so sad here. Oh MAF, I miss you! I hope you come back to us soon. <3

Story had it that he wasn't supposed to start tonight. Bylsma caught him moping around the hotel like someone shot his dog so he says listen, "I'm starting you tonight."

So, MAF gives up an early one, then gets run over and the puck trickles into the net while it gets knocked off it's moorings.

He gets pulled. After 2 goals.

By the same coach that left Johnson in to suffer a horrendous 5-2 stomping in Dallas 2 games ago.

I'm not pretending to know what I'm talking about here but what I AM saying is that this logic doesn't make sense to me.

But I'm also not a coach. So I'll just blog about it instead.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5