I'm minding my own business, eating my little bagel and drinking my little coffee when a Businessman in a black suit and red stripped tie sits down about 10 feet from me with a stack of papers. He looks stressed and his brow is damp. He has a stack of papers on the table which he immediately spreads out and makes a mess of. He picks up his phone and makes a call.
Through his call, his voice raises. He stands up and begins pacing around the store. His voices raises more. It is becomes clear that he is negotiating some sort of contract.
I tweet: "Hey Mr Businessman pacing around Au Bon Pain on your cell. Working lunches are not OUR business so either sit down or stay in your office.
Immediately the Older Man next to me, dressed nicer than the businessman, turns around and says "Sir, sit down please."
The Businessman obediently complies.
The Businessman is joined by Random Dude in a Gray Suit. There is an exchanging of whispers and hand gestures which is clearly Corporate Speak for "I'll just be another minute on this call." "Can I grab some coffee?" "Yeah grab some coffee, I'll just be a minute."
Random Dude exits to get his coffee. Older Man packs up the remainder of his lunch and exits the store with a look on his face that clearly says, "Dear God, now there's 2 of them." Businessman stands up and turns a circle. With his back to me, he grabs and adjusts himself. I open my laptop.
Random Dude comes back, sits down and sneezes. From across the room, I say "God Bless You."
Random Dude is totally shocked that a complete stranger would speak to him. Obviously, he's from out of town. He says, "Thank you." I just smile and start typing.
Meanwhile Businessman is yelling about his contract, about things he said and didn't say, etc. Much to my chagrin, the call finally wraps up with Businessman saying, "Listen, I have to go. I have another meeting I need to get into."
Businessman sits down and looks at Random Dude in a Gray Suit. "Sorry, I'm trying to buy some retail in Manhattan."
It becomes evident that Random Dude in a Gray Suit is a client.
Their meeting begins.
I sneeze. Twice.
That brings me to now.
This very moment. This moment that I'm typing this for you to read these words. At this very moment of NOW we, dear reader, are one. This man, who clearly was once some random jagoff business major at Pitt or Duquesne or CCAC and did kegstands with his stupid fraternity brothers or dropped cherries out of his ass and into shot glasses noticed me sneeze.
He looked at me.
And he didn't say God Bless You.
If this was the movie Dogma, I'd be Loki and holding a gun to his head.
Like seriously, who the fuck do you people think you are coming into MY Au Bon Pain (I'm the mayor on 4sq now bitches) at the corner of Wm Penn Place and 7th Ave, disturbing all the customers here with your stupid contracts and buzzwords and corporate bullshit when they're trying to enjoy their fucking lunch breaks, you assholes?
This is Pittsburgh.
I don't give a shit where you came from or who you are or how much money you make a year. Have some common decency for the person sitting next to you. Stop for a second and realize that you carrying on in a Bagel Shop in Downtown Pittsburgh is impressing exactly NO ONE and it's simply your own ego stroking that's annoying exactly everyone in a 30ft radius of you.
If you're really as super great as you think you are, wouldn't you be having these conversations in an office instead of a fucking Bagel Shop?
Your attempts at being trendy failed. Go back home.
And you, Random Dude... you're gonna get yours.
No comments:
Post a Comment