disgruntled post

I'd like to take this quick opportunity to mention that Blogger is a dick!!!

As I'm sure you can see, I'm in the process of trying to retemplate my blog and for some unknown reason, Blogger can't translate what I'm telling it to do via the Designer to the live version.

So I hope Blogger's happy getting the last laugh here while I think about pulling my blog off of this site.

The Definition of Irony

I am failing left and right lately for something to write about.

I know that I want to write, that I have stories to tell and yarns to spin and journeys to go on but nothing seems to be bubbling to the surface.  I often find myself wondering if JK Rowling had to deal with shit like this (yes, JK Rowling, bitches!  Cuz I don't get a fuck.  She's awesome!  Suck it).  How do you get through it?  It's not even writer's block anymore.  It's just a complete and utter lack of inspiration.  Do you just write until something makes sense?  What if you don't know where to start?  

Cuz that's kinda like... where I am right now.

I could probably come up with a couple of characters... the story would be set here in Pittsburgh... but plot?  Action?  Exposition?  Oh God and a climax???  Forget it.  I'm fucked.

When have you ever heard of a set driven story?

Bah.

Earlier tonight, I put out on Twitter that I could use a couple of ideas.  Twitter, in all it's infinite creativity, came back to me with:

A sword fighting Eskimo who has a cross to bear with a woman he could never have and an insatiable love of Doctor Who.

That's REALLY specific, guys!  I'm not even sure that Eskimos know what a sword is let alone a magic blue box.  I love my followers but Christ, in order to make that work, I need to go to a few improv classes first and study up on how to build and igloo and cook with blubber and choreography a fight sequence in there, maybe with a whale or fish or seal...

Can Eskimos even kill seals?  Are they endangered or something?

My head hurts.

I wish this was hyperbole.

Maybe that's a genre I need to start focusing more on... hyperbole can be a genre right?  To hell with it, if I say that it's a genre, it's a genre.

Something will come of it.

Meantime, Jason X just came on STARZ.  You know, the one where Jason Voorhees gets chryogenically frozen at the Crystal Lake Research Center and then gets thawed out sometime in the future and starts killing everyone again?  Apparently hockey in this movie was rules out in 2024.  Pretty lame.

You realize that some fucking asshole had to write this plot, pitch it to a movie distribution house who bought it and then convinced some plastic LA dickhead that it would make a shit load of money and to give them the money to hire a director, crew and etc to get the thing produced.

And I can't even think of something quality to write.

This is horseshit.

#GnealsBigAdventure

Public Service Announcement: I have no life.

My mom, @omgitsjensmom on twitter, and Dad went out of town this weekend. While they were away, they asked me and my boyfriend, @omgitsjensbf on twitter, to look after their fish. Nevermind he and I live on the North Side and they live out in Westmoreland County...

So, after I got off work tonight at 11pm, my boyfriend and I took a drive out to my parents house to feed the fish. Literally, to JUST feed the fish...

When we got there, one was pretty dead and the rest weren't eating. I suspect they were mourning the loss of their fallen comrade but who knows. They're fish.

Since we had just driven 45 minutes to feed my mom's fish (literally to JUST feed the fish), I looked around the house for food to steal for myself... I'm their kid after all, I'm entitled to eat their food! But, since they're gone for a week, they had pretty much gone through everything and Old Mother Hubbard's Cupboard was bare. I found some potatoes and A1 sauce but that was about it.

Not to be deterred from being a complete ass to my mother, I opted to take something else... or rather kidnap.

My mother sort of has this thing for garden gnomes. She collects them, she names them and she keeps them all around the house. There's dozens of them and all their names start with N because she thinks things like Gned the Gnome is hilarious. She has Steelers gnomes, David the Gnome look a likes, gnomes with a hat, gnomes with no hat, gnomes with shovels, gnomes with buckets, gnomes that are planters... its fucking ridiculous.

So I took the prize of the collections: Gneal. Named after James Neal of the Pittsburgh Penguins because... he's a Pens Gnome.

I went back out to the car smirking at how clever I was. Originally, I was planning on just keeping him at my house until my folks came to pick him up so they can enjoy the 45 minute drive to the North Side and back.

However, once we got back on 376, I had an epiphany.  Why just hold him hostage when I can rub in Mom's face how much more fun he has living with me than he does living with her???!!

So begins Gneals Big Adventure.

Gneal the Gnome in the Squirrel Hill Tunnels

Wednesday is pretty much going to be the big day for Gneal.  He's coming with me to yoga, he's probably going to be seen in and around Market Square, his presence has been requested by @lvallana to come see her at the Zoo.  We may go to the Inclines and Station Square too... if you'd like to meet us, shoot me an email or a message on Twitter and we'll figure out a way to make it happen!

All the pictures will be posted.

Oh... I have a Blog... Whoops

Hi.

I'm pissed.

I haven't written anything worth reading in... God, what's it been... eons? So to those of you that are actual, faithful readers, I apologize. I appreciate your loyalty to my blog and I'm glad you're reading these words now. But this is a Bitch Post. Pure and simple.

I'm just over an hour into my day and I'm already totally over it.

I went to bed last night totally looking forward to getting my hair done this morning. If you're a woman, you understand this: You make an appointment in good faith, you look forward to looking better and feeling better about yourself; and, depending on how long you've had the appointment, you anticipate it! It's also next to impossible for me to schedule an appointment because of my work schedule.

So when I woke up at 10am to get dressed and catch my bus to downtown to make my 11:30 appointment at Sognatore, I was really pissed to find that I had a missed call and voicemail saying my stylist had called in sick today.

Ok she's sick. Shit happens but are you kidding me? I have to wait at least 2 more weeks to figure out what my schedule is and even to see if I even have the money to get my hair done.

I'm forever frustrated.

So I decide, hey ok so I have all this time to myself now. Maybe I can make a noon class at Amazing Yoga on the South Side. I get dressed, get my stuff together and get ready to head out the door...

Only Monty, my dog, had better ideas. When he saw me put on my shoes, he bolted... outside. So I had to run after him... and after him... and he ran past me and up the stairs... and then cowered into a corner like I was going to kill him and all I wanted to do was lock him up so he didn't destroy the house while I was gone!

After catching him, I went outside and immediately realized I had forgotten my water bottle and also wanted to grab an umbrella just in case. So I turned around and went BACK inside. Grabbed my water bottle and grabbed my umbrella off of the hat rack... which caused 1 coat and 100 hats to fall to the floor. So I picked them all up, put them back on the rack and tried to head out the door again.

I actually got to the sidewalk this time... SUCCESS!!!

I walked to my bus stop and half a block away, I saw a big blue PAT bus zoom by. It was 11:02 exactly. Impossible that my bus would have actually been on time on the day that I need it to be late.

I got to the bus stop and stood there with 2 crackheads for about 15 seconds before they asked me if I was waiting on the 16. Of course, I answered that I was and they shook their head. "Man you just missed it man. He zoomed on by like he was in a hurry."

Considering the source, I opted to stand and wait for a few more minutes. The 15 came by so I knew they were right, a Crackhead would know the bus schedule better than I did so I shouldn't have second guessed them. In a fit and refusing to leave because I was so mad, I watched them get on the 15 and speed off. When the next 13 came by I rolled my eyes and started trying to cross the Brighton Road to walk back home.

But not before a 3rd crackhead came by with a shopping cart stopped by to say, "How you doin baby?" I was the only female in he immediate area so I assumed he was talking to me and I didn't look up. So he said it again, "How you doin baby?"

At that point, I really knew it was time to go.

On the walk back to my house, my phone dinged at me telling me that I got an email.

It was from a man named Sam Parente.

At first I thought it was spam but I opened the email and read it. It was actually a very nice email complimenting me on my blog and inviting me to an event for the new Planet Smoothie and X Shadyside on 9/22.

I'm not gonna lie, a few nice words about my blog from a complete stranger totally made my day.

It doesn't take a lot for me.

Anyway, with the inspiration from Sam Parente, I opted to come home and write a blog entry. So thank you, Sam, for getting me writing about my day today. It's an hour later and I feel a lot better.

Moral of the story: if you have the opportunity to say something nice to someone today, do it. You don't know what they're going through and you might just turn it around for them in the space of the 5 seconds it takes to compliment them.

I'm not spell checking this. I'm not rereading it to revise it or make it "flow better." Fuck it!

Read This Article Now!!!!

This article is everything I've ever preached to anyone. This advice is some of the best you will ever get.  Do yourself a favor and take 5 minutes to read it.
TNW: The Top 5 Regrets People Have on their Death Beds.
So good!!  xoxox

What a Bum

I thought I was the source of my unproductivity.  Clearly I was wrong... He would later curl up in my lap for a snooze and make me feel guilty for needing to get up.

Complete bum.

I haven't blogged for a while so here's what I'm thinking about at midnight.

I think I must be an ass... Organized religion not only scares the shit out of me but... Well really kind of turns me off.

When deeply religious people want to do something nice for me, I automatically assume its because they want to go to heaven... Not because they're just nice or good people but because they're preprogrammed to help thy neighbor.  It makes me not trust them... If they're just being nice to me to get on some invisible man's good side, who knows what else they're up to.

That's on me. 

But what isn't on me is the hoity toity, holier than thou attitude. I work on Sundays so no I don't go to church.  Even if I didn't work, I'd probably sleep in because that's what sane people do.  Sane people don't wake up at 6am on Sunday morning to make a 7, 8 or 9am mass time... Or whatever time.

But what I do respect about devoutly religious people is the avid belief in something that's never been proven. There's a piece of me that's kind of envious of that. I wish I could capture that kind of passion and follow it blindly on just faith alone. But I just can't and then I start feeling guilty for being so judgmental.

But then I remember people make fun of me for believing in astrology and that sort of goes away.

Recipe for Tea Ice Cream

By special request from @Jenana37 on Twitter. xoxo

I'm an Anglophile. It's something I'm coping with... but it also creates some really fantastic opportunities in the kitchen. I recently came across an ice cream recipe apparently used for old fashioned tea times and opted to try it out last night.

It came out AMAZING!!

So if you want to try it yourself, here it is:

Tea Ice Cream
serves 6


4 egg yolks
7 tablespoons sugar
2 cups heavy cream
1/2 cup very strong cold China tea (3 teaspoons of tea to 1 cup of water)

Brew tea in cold water.

Bring cream to just below boiling point in a saucepan over low heat.

Meanwhile beat yolks in a bowl with the sugar.

Remove cream from heat and stir in the egg yolk/sugar mixture and tea.

Return to heat and cook over very low heat until the mixture begins to thicken.

Sieve the cream into a dish and freeze for at least 4 hours before serving (stir once or twice while it's freezing).



It should be noted that when I made this last night, I used a full cup of tea instead of a half cup. The flavor came through beautifully but there's a lot of ice in the mixture. So next time, I'm going to use the half cup of tea with the full 3 teaspoons of tea brewed.

Run/Walk for FEED THE CHILDREN

On June 1, 2011 I'm doing a Run/Walk through work to benefit FEED THE CHILDREN and I need sponsors!

If you're feeling generous and would like to donate, please click the PayPal button below and donate $5, $10, or whatever you can in order to help out North America's hungry kids.

If you have any questions, please email me: jlmathieson@gmail.com.

Thank you so much for your support!

TL;DR OMG its Jen vs The Bank AKA The Most Epic Post I've EVER Written

If you've been keeping up with me on Twitter the past few days, you're fully aware that I've been having some over the top drama with my bank.

Let me take you on a story.

So back in the day, I banked with Jerome Bettis' own S&T Bank.  I  moved to the North Side and very quickly realized that S&T was no longer the bank for me.  I stuck it out for a little while and then started getting really mad that there were no branches, ATMs or money centers in the downtown area.  In fact, with me living on the North Shore, the closest branch, ATM or money center was Shadyside.

Shadyside... that's a 30 minute drive for me.

I started to seriously consider my options.

Living in Pittsburgh, I've always known about PNC Bank.  Who hasn't?  Living on the North Side with PNC Park literally a mere 20 (ish) minute walk away, it's hard to miss.  Late last month, I decided to bite the bullet and open a PNC account.

I waited for my (free) checks in the mail and then had my direct deposit set up through payroll at work.

Meanwhile, I had some drama with S&T.  I (very stupidly) left my ATM card in the machine at the money center in Shadyside last week.  When I called the call center, they told me it was going to be 14 to 20 BUSINESS days to replace the card.

I legit laughed in the operator's ear and told her to forget it, that I was planning on closing the account because it was too inconvenient to keep it open.  It would serve no purpose and that PNC was more well equipped to suit my needs.

Remember that last part, the irony will hit you like a ton of bricks later.

The next day, my boyfriend and I made yet ANOTHER trek to the S&T in Shadyside only to discover they were closed on Saturdays (LOLOL!) so we hunted down the one even further away in Squirrel Hill.  I withdrew my remaining funds and waited patiently for Friday to roll around for my direct deposit to go into my PNC account through payroll.

Only to wake up on Friday and realize, in a moment of sheer panic, that it hadn't.

Where was my money??  I called my manager.  For some reason, our company opted to issue paper checks... "Ooooooooookay.  I'll... be right down to pick that up."  Which I did and then went to PNC Park to deposit the check.

This is where it gets really shifty.

I had some questions for the teller when I approached her window.  I'm new to a PNC Performance account but I knew that I had to meet a quota for direct deposit per month.  With this paper check being issued, I knew I wasn't going to make said quota so I asked what sort of fees I was looking at.  My teller called the rep I originally opened the account with and they confirmed that I actually had 60 days to get my account settled and direct deposit set up so I wouldn't be looking at any fees right now.

Sweet!

I deposited my pay check, took $50 cash from it and walked out the door.

Up until this point I've spoken to 2 people.

My boyfriend and I decided to grab breakfast at Deluca's.  On the way over to the Strip District, I attempted to use my PNC account to pay my Verizon bill.  Using the app on my phone, I keyed in my card number and hit submit.

Declined.

...I must have missed a number fat fingering on the phone.  I tried again.

Declined.

Ok, lets call Verizon and do it over the phone since I'm obviously too idiotic to punch the number in correctly.

I called *611 (from my Verizon wireless phone) and attempted to make the payment that way.

Declined.

Oookay... so I'm either a complete idiot or something is very wrong here.  I started punching 000000000000000000 on my phone to get a rep (like you do).  The rep at Verizon told me to use the automated system.  I said, "yeah no... that's not going to work" only to be connected through anyway.

I had a brief flash of "Jennifer Mathieson, THIS is your life."

Luckily the rep I was on the phone with didn't hang up.  They just wanted me to prove it wasn't working (I actually commend Verizon Wireless here for not trusting their customers.  Customers are idiots.  If a company expects their clients to not be morons, they're setting them up for failure).  So my rep says, "Yeah, it's not working." Oh, ya think??  "Let me connect you to financial."

Financial then confirms, "I'm sorry Ms Mathieson, the card number you're providing isn't authorizing for the charge."

My heart sank.  Where was my hard-earned money that I just handed over to PNC Bank?  I WORK hard for that piddly little paycheck.  I deserve to be able to use the money.

I guess PNC felt differently...

I dialed the number on the back of my bank card and entered in the correct numbers to get ahold of someone in the Telephone Banking center.  This young lady crisply told me that my funds were not available because I had deposited a paper check.

????

"But... my bills.  I have to pay my bills," I pleaded.  "I deposited my pay check today so I could pay my bills.  I need this money."

"I'm sorry, Ms. Mathieson.  But your funds WILL be available tomorrow."

This is what I fucking get for trying to be god damn responsible.  I seriously should have known better.

Oh and by the way: this is now 3 people I've talked to from PNC Bank.

Next day, I wake up and check my PNC app on my phone which thankfully was still working even though my payment was now late.  To my serious chagrin (+1 for sweet word usage), I saw that my funds were not at all available.  I definitely had a Balance that listed my entire deposit but my "Available Balance" was listed as a mere $100.

There's got to be something wrong, let me fire up my laptop and check there.

My laptop laughed at me while it told me, "LOL $100!!!"

KIMPOSSIBLE!!!!!!!!!

I went downstairs with my laptop, phone and bank card in tow.  I grabbed a cereal bar (because you should never face adversity on an empty stomach) and sat down on the couch to dial the number on the back of the card again.

I got ahold of Online Banking this time.  I figured they'd tell me if there was a delay in online transactions showing up on the online statement.  Instead, I was told by a rather curt representative that "No, those funds won't be available until Monday."

Wha wha wha WHAAAT???!

"But the rep yesterday told me today... and no one at my branch said anything to me."

"Ms. Mathieson, the rep yesterday probably forgot that yesterday was Friday.  Its ONE BUSINESS DAY and while we're open on Saturdays, this is not considered a business day."

"Well you're in the office conducting business, aren't you?"

"...yes."

"Doesn't your payroll post on Fridays?"

"Yes."

"Right.  So!  I know there's someone alive out there today that can fix this and considering my previous 3 conversations with 3 different individuals at PNC, I would like for that to happen, please."  I may or may not have said please here.

"The only person that can help you is your branch manager, Ms. Mathieson."

"My branch is closed today."

Silence.  Dead fucking silence so beautiful that even Jesus had to take a moment to listen in.  "Well... uh.  Well I could direct you to another location but that manager may not be able to help you."

"Then why would I waste the time to go there?"

"I don't know."

Cool story, Bro.

Update: 4th person I've spoken to.

I'm pretty sure I hung up at this point and in complete exasperation flung my phone into a pillow.  I could feel my anger level rising with each passing second.  I began to seethe.  I picked up the phone and called them back.  SOMEONE was going to fix this for me and I was going to MAKE them do it!

This time, I called the Call Center and spoke to someone named Jeremy.

I'm using Jeremy's name here because this was actually the first individual to show me any empathy, any amount of understanding and sincere desire to want to help me.  This guy is a gem and PNC should be proud to call him an employee of their company.

That said, Jeremy had more bad news for me... BUT he said it in the most diplomatic way possible, by trying to slide it past me without me realizing. "Since its a new account, it's actually going to take 2 business days to process."

"So you can... wait wait wait... what did you just say?  You said 2 days?"

"Yes, ma'am.  Unfortunately, your funds are not going to be available for 2 business days due to the newness of your account."  He may or may not have said "newness."

"So Jeremy, I'm sorry I didn't get your name, is it Jeremy?  Jeremy, you're telling me that I went from my funds being available upon deposit yesterday to not being available until today... to not being available until Monday... and NOW you're telling me Tuesday?!!?"

Silence.  Jesus was listening.  "Yes, ma'am."

"Jeremy, can I speak to your supervisor, please?"

I was connected to a very nice girl named Jennifer whose name I remember because it happens to be mine.  Jennifer spared no time in telling me quite matter of factly that my funds would be available on Tuesday at Midnight and that the $100 currently available in my account was provided as a courtesy.

"A COURTESY??!  Ok first of all, it's my own money that you're granting and denying me access to, I wouldn't call that a courtesy.  Secondly, Jennifer!  I have $400 worth of bills to pay and you want me to do it with $100?  You're going to have to help me with the math on that one, I was a Liberal Arts major."  Sometimes I wish being a complete smart ass paid the bills.

The conversation took a turn for the worse and then for the better.  I sincerely felt pretty much passed around and like no one was taking ownership of this discrepancy, EXCEPT Jeremy.  So, since I was talking to his supervisor, I decided to tell her.

"You mean Kevin?" she answered.

"........Yes.  I mean Kevin."

Way to take the wind out of my sails as I was trying to compliment your associate.

Keeping score? Jennifer was the 5th person I spoke to.

Eventually Jennifer was able to convince me that my branch manager would be able to wave a magical banker's wand and fix all of this for me on Monday.  Swell, do you have a direct dial for him because I'd like to leave him a voice mail now while I'm still fired up.

I told him the entire sordid tale in a 7 minute voice mail message.

Nothing happened on Sunday.  I got drunk.  That was that.

So I woke up this morning.  I went to work and at around 9:30 this morning, I missed a phone call from my branch manager.  I got his voice mail asking me to call him which I did on my break at noon.  I was told that he wasn't available but my sales rep could help me.

I was told that this would all be sorted out for me today.  They were working on it and would call me back.  "Sounds good," I said.  "If you're able to get it taken care of for me between now and 3pm, give me a phone call and let me know.  If not, I'll stop in to see you after I get off work at 3pm."

No one wanted me to go to that branch after 3pm today.  No one!

But... I didn't get a phone call so at 3:15pm today, I checked into PNC Park on Foursquare.

I approached the teller and asked for the branch manager by name.  "Oh!  Uh, hmm."  She looked to the teller on her right. "Was he supposed to be coming back today?"

The second teller, the girl I actually deposited my check with the other day, smiled at me.  "Did you have an appointment to see him?"

"Oh yes!  Trust me, he's been expecting me all day."

"Oh, are you... Jennifer?"

"Jennifer Mathieson?  Yes, that's me.  And yes, he's been expecting me but you're telling me he's not here now?" In my head, I began writing this blog post in all capital letters.

"Let me give him a call very quickly for you."

We were interrupted by my Sales Rep who said that the Branch Manager wasn't there but he'd been trying to assist me in his absence.

"But... I got a call from him this morning?"

"Yes he was in this morning."

"But he's not here now?"

"No, he's not here now but he did get your voice mail this morning and then he and I started trying to hash out a way to get you your money quicker than tomorrow."

My Sales Rep took me through the ins and outs of what was really going on behind the scenes so at least I understood exactly what was going on.  He took complete responsibility for the miscommunication since he had opened my account.  He told me flat out, "I should have told you how this worked.  The teller should have told you that your funds wouldn't be available immediately and should have given you options."

Welp, it's sort of hard to argue with someone taking ownership of the problem even if its 4 days later.

And then... he said it, "I'm so sorry this happened to you."

6th person, 7th conversation and I FINALLY get an apology.  Bravo, sir.  Well done indeed.  When I told him this, he looked genuinely appalled.  He offered some very nice gestures in the form of service recovery and tried to get in touch with the Branch Manager.

He couldn't get a hold of him.  So, I tried calling him (cause I'm cool like that).  I left a voice mail advising him of his own email stating "If you call me, we can get you accommodated today."  I told my Sales Rep, "so he called and asked me to call him and then left for the day?  Did you talk to him after we spoke on the phone because I got this email from him at 2pm telling me again to call him.  So he called, I returned it... did he leave before I called back and didn't tell you how to fix this for me yet promised he could?"  My blood pressure was rising again.

My Sales Rep told me that he was actually not the branch manager at this branch. He was a different branch's manager who was popping in to help out because the branch was actually between managers at the moment.

Things were starting to click here.

Eventually, I left feeling defeated.  My Sales Rep had offered me both an apology and compensation for my trouble.  I didn't really have a leg left to stand on since, after his explanations, it was simply impossible for them to release my funds.  He assured me that when the Acting Branch Manager called back, he'd tell him all about our conversation and he would most likely call me too.

I didn't say it but I wasn't about to hold my breath.

You'd think this is where it ends, eh?  No no no.  There's so much more!!!!

The boyfriend and I had just gotten down to McKnight Road when my still-functioning cell rang.  I knew the number and answered, "Good afternoon, this is Jennifer."  It never hurts to sound self important.

The Branch Manager explained everything that was going on and told me if I could get to a branch, ANY branch, he could help me out and get me my money there just by talking to their Branch Manager.

I immediately went to the McIntyre Square branch and, as instructed, asked for their manager.  And was somehow NOT surprised that he wasn't expecting me nor had any idea why I was asking to talk to him.

He asked me to tell him the whole story.

So I did.  :D

By the time I was done, the Acting Branch Manager was calling to speak to him to give him the bank's point of view.  After attempting to get them to lift the hold on the authorization so I could use my bank card over the phone to pay my Verizon bill plus the others that needed paid, they convinced me to settle for cash.  I reluctantly agreed knowing that Verizon was just down the street and I could at least get my phone bill paid today before they closed... I took consolation in the fact that I wanted to look into upgrades anyway.

So... at 5pm this evening, I was FINALLY able to put all of this behind me.  I walked out of the PNC Bank in McIntyre Square with my account having been forced overdraft but was assured that I would not suffer any overdraft fees and the remaining amount of my check would be available tonight at Midnight.

I felt victorious.  I felt like Jen the Conquerer.  I felt like Laura Croft and the bank vault and computer system was my tomb to raid.  I sent the following tweet from the Winner's Circle:

http://twitter.com/omgitsjen/status/72776927886315520

Suck it!

How I Know I'm a Nerd: Doctor Who

Watch "Rose Conquers the Daleks" on YouTube

I've had a MASSIVE migraine for 5 days now. I know I'm a fkg nerd when this video is the ONLY way I can adequately describe how bad my head hurts.

Sidenote: how is my FAVORITE Doctor Who moment completely void of David Tennant until the very end of the episode?  Got me!

Baby Invasion

My "sister in law" is pregnant. Her baby shower is tomorrow. I can't believe this only took me 6hrs...

And I can't believe they're done.

How the fuck am I gonna get them to Kittanning?!

Thanks, Monty...

The people who live directly behind us own a little Maltese or Westie or some other kind fluffy white lap dog that isn't Monty.

This dog regularly barks and barks and BARKS and barks for no reason that I can see.  I'm sure I'm as sick of that dog as its owners are of mine... which honestly is to say, he doesn't bother me that much.  But I could see where someone would get annoyed with Monty.

ANYWAY...

I was up till about 2am watching Star Wars, fell asleep and was woken up at 7:40 this morning by that little Maltese or Westie or some other kind of fluffy white lap dog barking is bloody head off.  The dog was seriously PISSED about something.  This was the first time he'd ever woken me up with his barking.

I tried ignoring it at first but it just wasn't happening.  I rolled over and the boyfriend was still snoozing in bed next to me.  He has an 8am class in downtown.  "Babe, what time is your class?"  I asked just in case I was wrong. 

Across the alley behind the house, the dog immediately quit yapping.

My boyfriend bolted upright and sprung out of bed cursing his alarm clock and was out the door in 10 minutes.

Monty, meanwhile, yawned.  Peed on the carpet and went back to sleep in his bed.

Good to know we're safe if there's a fire.

Jennifer Mathieson: THIS is Your Life

I don't usually like to blog about work.  I've made the occasional exception like when I'm trying to raise money for Feed the Children or share the great news of getting promoted... but the day to day happenings, I try to keep that shit under wraps.

Tonight, I can't NOT share it.  I swear to God: this is my life.

So, dear Reader, let me take you on a story:

So, I have a bit of a head cold and my voice completely reflects it.  I'm standing with one of my associates at the front desk this afternoon when a woman walks in.  Being the friendly, welcoming, customer service oriented person I am, I immediately greet her, albeit horsely,  "Good afternoon ma'am.  How are you today?"

She smiles as she crosses the lobby and says, "I'm very well.  How are you this afternoon?"

"Oh... well, I'm hanging in there," I squeak with a meek little laugh.

She stops in her tracks and frowns at me, "Oh there's none of that."

Automatically assuming she's looking for something and not finding it, I want to address the situation and correct it.  "I'm sorry??"

"Do you believe?" She asks.

I blink.  "I'm... believe?"

She approaches me and leans over the desk, "Are you Christian, dear?"

I have absolutely no idea what to say.  I've never had a perfect stranger ask me about my belief system so abruptly nor do I really want to involve myself in a potentially judgmental situation at work.  Was I raised Christian, sure... I guess.  Do I have an organized belief, uh... no actually.  Do I want to tell a Fundamentalist Christian woman that and get a lecture in return?  Yeah, no... no I don't.  At all.

So I try to be as diplomatic as possible by saying, "I uh... yeah I guess so.  For all intents and purposes."

The lady laughs at me.  "For all intents and purposes?  Well either you do or you don't."  Her tone is very soothing and motherly, very Oracle from The Matrix-esque.

"Uh... well..." I'm very visibly uncomfortable at this point.  I know my associate is standing next to me laughing behind his eyes.

"If you believe, dear, you know there's been plenty of 'Hanging' that's already taken place and so there's no 'Hanging in there' to be done."

I'm legitimately struck speechless.  I have no idea what to say.

Looking back, I'm sure I had mumbled some kind of lame joke as she turned to walk away.

But I turn to my associate and say, "You know what the most ironic thing here is?"

Laughing at me and making a rocking motion with his arms, he says, "That you now feel cradled in the bosom of Christ?"

"No," I reply.  "Earlier today I tweeted something along the lines of 'Oh great, now I'm sick.  WTF else could go wrong this week?' and someone replied to me saying 'Jen, don't say that.  That just opens up the universe to wreck you.' And he was right.  Because now I'm apparently going to Hell."

What Happens When a Yinzer Meets a Tornado?

Pittsburgh experienced some pretty piss poor weather this afternoon.  Since everyone is a journalist these days, there's finally an answer to the age old question of "What Happens When a Yinzer Meets a Tornado?"



Thank you, Tyler Tubbs, for your contribution to society.  You are a gem.

Follow him on Twitter: @tylertubbs17

Au Bon Pain... in the Ass

Scene: Interior 707 Grant Street, Pittsburgh PA 15222.  The Au Bon Pain at the Gulf Tower.  It's 1:20pm.


I'm minding my own business, eating my little bagel and drinking my little coffee when a Businessman in a black suit and red stripped tie sits down about 10 feet from me with a stack of papers.  He looks stressed and his brow is damp.  He has a stack of papers on the table which he immediately spreads out and makes a mess of.  He picks up his phone and makes a call.  


Through his call, his voice raises.  He stands up and begins pacing around the store.  His voices raises more.  It is becomes clear that he is negotiating some sort of contract.  


I tweet: "Hey Mr Businessman pacing around Au Bon Pain on your cell.  Working lunches are not OUR business so either sit down or stay in your office.


Immediately the Older Man next to me, dressed nicer than the businessman, turns around and says "Sir, sit down please."


The Businessman obediently complies.


The Businessman is joined by Random Dude in a Gray Suit.  There is an exchanging of whispers and hand gestures which is clearly Corporate Speak for "I'll just be another minute on this call."  "Can I grab some coffee?" "Yeah grab some coffee, I'll just be a minute."


Random Dude exits to get his coffee.  Older Man packs up the remainder of his lunch and exits the store with a look on his face that clearly says, "Dear God, now there's 2 of them."  Businessman stands up and turns a circle.  With his back to me, he grabs and adjusts himself.  I open my laptop.


Random Dude comes back, sits down and sneezes.  From across the room, I say "God Bless You."


Random Dude is totally shocked that a complete stranger would speak to him.  Obviously, he's from out of town.  He says, "Thank you."  I just smile and start typing.


Meanwhile Businessman is yelling about his contract, about things he said and didn't say, etc.  Much to my chagrin, the call finally wraps up with Businessman saying, "Listen, I have to go.  I have another meeting I need to get into."


Businessman sits down and looks at Random Dude in a Gray Suit.  "Sorry, I'm trying to buy some retail in Manhattan."


It becomes evident that Random Dude in a Gray Suit is a client.


Their meeting begins.


I sneeze.  Twice.


That brings me to now.

This very moment.  This moment that I'm typing this for you to read these words.  At this very moment of NOW we, dear reader, are one.  This man, who clearly was once some random jagoff business major at Pitt or Duquesne or CCAC and did kegstands with his stupid fraternity brothers or dropped cherries out of his ass and into shot glasses noticed me sneeze.

He looked at me.

And he didn't say God Bless You.

If this was the movie Dogma, I'd be Loki and holding a gun to his head.

Like seriously, who the fuck do you people think you are coming into MY Au Bon Pain (I'm the mayor on 4sq now bitches) at the corner of Wm Penn Place and 7th Ave, disturbing all the customers here with your stupid contracts and buzzwords and corporate bullshit when they're trying to enjoy their fucking lunch breaks, you assholes?

This is Pittsburgh.

I don't give a shit where you came from or who you are or how much money you make a year.  Have some common decency for the person sitting next to you.  Stop for a second and realize that you carrying on in a Bagel Shop in Downtown Pittsburgh is impressing exactly NO ONE and it's simply your own ego stroking that's annoying exactly everyone in a 30ft radius of you.

If you're really as super great as you think you are, wouldn't you be having these conversations in an office instead of a fucking Bagel Shop?

Your attempts at being trendy failed.  Go back home.

And you, Random Dude... you're gonna get yours.

Aside: One of the servers gave me a blueberry muffin for making her laugh.  I love this place!!!  If you want coffee or bagels or muffins or chili or a softdrink... whatever!!!  Come to the Au Bon Pain at the corner of 7th and Wm Penn Place.  The staff here is exceptional and just fantastic.  They are always very friendly, helpful and the very essence of customer service!!!

It Only Cost a Dollar

My very first print ad.  Of course its on the wall of a bar.  OF COURSE it is!

ZOMG New Post!! Srsly: Check Out Wawadoo.com

Ohi.

So I haven't updated my blog for a while... so for anyone reading this now, it may sound like I'm selling something.  I'm totally not.  I'm going to start writing again soon.  I'm working on a script right now (yerp) but the blog needs to get some love too.

Until that time, I had to pull myself out of mothballs to actually let my readers know that there's a great new startup company here in Pittsburgh with an idea so sensational I seriously had to share it with everyone.

It's called Wawadoo.  There's a link on my blogroll (to the right) so do yourself a favor and click on it and sign up for their beta.

So what's Wawadoo?

Glad you asked.

"Wawadoo" is a mashup for the phrase "what would YOU want to do."  It's an internet recommendation engine.  You're gonna wanna think Pandora or Netflix for real, live events and activities custom tailored to your specific interests and needs.

Log into the site and you'll see a list of events in a variety of categories: Food, activities, nightlife or set up an event to host on your own.  Every time you indicate you like an event with a "thumbs up" or "thumbs down" (hi Pandora) the system takes that information, learns from it and starts spitting out personalized recommendations on things you like to do.

So if you like clubs, it'll tell you about Diesel's next party on East Carson.  If you like Hipster bars, it'll tell you about the PBR specials over at the Beehive.  If you just want a god damn smoothie, oh hello information on Mixsters in Market Square.

Basically, if you're me it's the answer to your prayers.  On any given day (or night), it'll give you an idea on where to meet your girls (or boys) for a get together on the cheap or maybe you want to impress your hot date with your vast knowledge of stuff thats going on (since you're obviously the guy/girl with your finger on the pulse of the Pittsburgh nightlife).

Wawadoo will do all of that.

Best of all, it won't give you the same old shit over and over.  If you're a nerd who's a regular at all of the city's best LAN Parties, it gives you the opportunity to break out of your shell and hit some new stuff.  If you're a Club Kid that wants to try your hand at some D&D, hey... you can get info on that too. Superbowl parties, roller derbies, Doctor Who get togethers, Street Racing... the sky is the limit with this website.

So... check it out.  Go to www.wawadoo.com and enter your email address.  They'll shoot you an invite and you can get started.

Have fun and hope to see you out and about!

LOL tumblr

So I'm on tumblr now, too.

omgitsjen.tumble.com

Bounce with me, bounce with me.

Random Thought

I think dogs were really awful, mean people in another life that were reincarnated so they could learn what its like to love unconditionally.

HELP ME EARN A FREE DAY OFF AT WORK BY FEEDING THE CHILDREN!!!

Granted this is kinda selfish, but its for a really great cause! All proceeds go directly to Feed the Children. If you're far away, I'll even pick up the cost for shipping.

If you're interested, please email me at jlmathieson@gmail.com and I'll give you the details.

Minimum price for the cookbook is $10 but if you want to donate more, I won't say no. If you want to donate less, that's ok too but I can't give you a cookbook (thems the rules) but maybe I can cook something else up for you as a giveaway of some sort for your generocity.

Hope to hear from you soon!!

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Great Moments in Cohabited History, vol. 3

My boyfriend and I live together... here's an insider's look into our relationship.

[This conversation all happened via text. It should also be stated that I've been sick, hence the reference.]

Me: When Cameron was in Egypt's land... let my Cameron go.
Him: Bueller? Bueller?
Me: At least I'm not in a Red Wings jersey.
Him: And they're from Chicago. Doesn't make sense.
Me: Cameron likes the Red Wings... I hate the Blackhawks so if I lived in Chi Town, I wouldn't wear a Blackhawks jersey either.
Him: You'd Wear a Turco jersey.
Me: I'd wear an ATL Byfuglien jersey with a sign that said "WHERE'S YOUR CUP NOW?"
Him: You'd wear a Huet jersey cuz he's from France.
Me: French ppl are dumb.
Him: LOL, wow. Hater.
Me: <3

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Sorry Hipsters... Sorry

I'm at Silky's in Bloomfield for the game. Fellow blogger, @Brian_Metzer, would be very unhappy with me for blogging about his favorite pub in such a way but...

LOL 2 hipsters w/ laptops at the bar are apparently mad at ME for interrupting their... whatever... while I watch the game. I yelled at the TV and got a dirty look.

Sorry Hipsters... sorry. I didn't realize that Bar = Library. Or coffeehouse. Go ride your 10 speed, Hipsters. Go Listen to Bell and Sebastian. I've got fucking hockey to watch.

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Great Moments in Cohabited History, vol 2

My boyfriend and I live together. Here's an insider's look into our relationship.

[In Au Bon Pain on 7th & Wm Penn Pl in Downtown. He gets up to leave to go to class]
Me (calling across the restaurant): I love you!
Him (walking out the door): Yeah.
Me: Oh...
Guy at the register: LOL!!!!

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Guins Win!! Blogger Loses.

Due to an epic fail on the part of Blogger (ie not allowing me to post via the website) I couldn't include this pretty little clip from tonight's game.

Flower is obviously so intimidating that players look at him and just fall over...

I need a .gif of this with Benny Hill music attached. :)

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Guins Win! 1/5/11 vs Tampa Bay Lightning

For Christmas, the Boyfriend and I got tickets to Pens/Lightning tonight.

WHAT A GAME TO GO TO, OMG!

I had the presence of mind to bring my foot-tall sized stuffed penguin named Stanley to the game. This was his 2nd trip to a Pens game, the 1st being a trip to Toronto to see the Pens whoop the Maple Leafs something like 5-1 or 5-2.

I figured if there was any way I could shake my Bad Luck Chuck status with the Pens, it would be to bring Stanley. My record at Pens games without him is like 0 and 6...

Anyway, after an incredible showing by the Pens that included a hattrick from Chris Kunitz (RIP my pictured knit cap), the final score came to 8-1, Pens.

Guess I figured out a way to shake my Jinx. All hail Lord Stanley.

Anyway, have you heard of Steve Stamkos? He's in the running for the Rocket Richard, in fact he's 1 goal behind Sidney Crosby in the race for the trophy for most goals scored in a season...

If you haven't heard of Stamkos, heres a great introduction:



There's always tomorrow, Stevie. There's always tomorrow. :)

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Great Moments in Cohabited History, vol 1

My boyfriend and I live together. Here's an insider's look into our relationship.



Me (calling from the kitchen): Baaaaaaaaaaaaaabe... I'm mad at you!
Him (from upstairs in the bedroom, panicked): What? Why? What did I do???
Me: We don't have any Dijon mustard.
Him (pausing, trying to figure out my logic, gives up): Uh, how is us not having any mustard my fault?!
Me: Because you're the one that eats it and there's none here now and I'm making a turkey sandwich.

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