Its Valentine's Day... and THIS is all I can think about??!

Ever wish you could unhear something you heard, that you could just rewind to the moment of your life where everything changed and just do your best to avoid that moment--or better yet, just delete it from existence all together?

For me, it was when my boyfriend harmlessly told me in no uncertain terms that he wasn't ready to live with me.

Its been about a month since he and I had this conversation and every time I think about it, it still rips my heart out. It makes me feel like I'm not good enough for him. It makes me feel that he's not sure of me, our relationship or of our future together. It makes me feel like maybe I was more than just a little emotionally overzealous.

Granted, I'm probably looking way too much into it.

But I mean, come on... its the natural progression of things. Boy meets girl. Boy likes girl. Boy dates girl for around a year. Boy ends up buying a house. If boy still likes girl, why shouldn't boy and girl move in together?

Right?

And it's not like he just said, "You know, I'm not really ready for this." No, if it was just that easy then I doubt I'd still be on the verge of tears about it all (well realistically, I'd still be bothered but I could at least maybe understand it a bit better). No, instead he told me, "I've just had bad past experiences and I promised myself that the next time I moved in with anyone, it would be because I was going to ask her to marry me."

...Uh.

........

Yeah, so take that and couple it with "I don't want you to move in" and you might see where my emotional complexities take over. I have a lot of emotional investment in this (duh) but I'm also 50% mental so its just a calorie-loaded recipe for disaster.

In the same note, I love him. It was so hard to say it and now that I finally have, it feels like the universe is playing some sort of elaborate practical joke on me. My karma caught up with me for something I did 20 years ago and in some grandiose scheme, I now have to sort out my wrong doings before I can move on with my life.

Its so easy to get caught up in how I feel that its equally easy to lose sight of where he's coming from... though, I don't really understand where he's coming from. I've tried talking to him about it and I keep coming back with more and more question marks than answers. I know he loves me (Christ I hope he loves me, fuck he's said it enough that he better...). But what can I do? Be patient? For how long? When is enough enough? What am I doing wrong?

They do say "If you keep doing what you're doing, you keep getting what you're getting." The only problem with that is if I change tactics here, I lose a huge part of who I am as a person... and its a good part too, like a REALLY good part. I don't want to change who I am, if he doesn't like me for who I am then what the hell is he doing with me? Plus he fell in love with the person I am so if I change that... its sort of counter intuitive to my goals.

Oh look, what a gaily packaged Catch 22!

My head is going to explode from the amount of over analyzing I do about this daily. Its a good thing I've been working out, maybe I can start running as fast as those hamsters on their wheels up in my brain.

What I know is that I love my boyfriend. A lot. What I don't know is what's going to happen...